Lesson one: Writing sexy dialogue
Ok, so there’s a pretty basic storyline for romance novels. Boy meets girl, then boy ‘meets’ girl. And there’s some kind of love rival who’s a dirty no-good scumbag and so on and so forth.
You have to use a certain type of language to keep your reader interested. Instead of using the correct names for things, sprinkle in a ‘ding-a-ling’ and a ‘hoo-haa’ here and there. And ‘mound’. Everybody has some kind of mound. So many mounds.
Most of it is pretty basic stuff, but people tend to struggle with writing sexy dialogue. They say it’s best to write what you know, and I’ve found it helps to take inspiration from my own life and just change a minor detail here and there.
In this scene, the attractive nameless man who is trying to get some shelter from the rain has just walked into a café where the only staff member is… let’s call her Laurel. There are no other customers. Just the two of them. And the glistening rain.
WATCH AND LEARN!
Laurel: ‘Hey.’
Attractive man: ‘Hi.’
Laurel: ‘Still raining outside?’
Attractive man: ‘Yep.’
Laurel: ‘You’re uh… you’re quite wet, there.’
Attractive man: ‘Yep.’
Laurel: ‘I mean… your shirt is all clingy and see through and… clingy.’
Attractive man: ‘Yeah… look, I just need somewhere to stay until the rain stops, do we really need to make small talk?’
Laurel: ‘Maybe you should get out of those wet clothes.’
Attractive man: ‘No, I’m alright. Thanks.’
Laurel: ‘Are you sure? You look cold. You know, the best thing we can do right now is get naked.’
Attractive man: ‘Excuse me?’
Laurel: ‘What is it they say? About shared body heat and all that? It would probably help if we created some friction, too.’
Attractive man: ‘Did… did you just lock that door?’
Laurel: ‘You know, the rain has made your skin look all shimmery.’
Attractive man: ‘Is there anyone else here?’
Laurel: ‘Nope. Just you and me. And the homeless man watching through the window.’
Attractive man: ‘I’d better get going.’
Laurel: ‘Do you want a drink?’
Attractive man: ‘No… OH GOD WHAT THE HELL IS IN THAT?’
Laurel: ‘Nothing.’
Attractive man: ‘WHY IS IT SO CLOUDY?’
Laurel: ‘It’s… supposed to look like that…?’
Attractive man: ‘I’m calling the police.’
Then she rips his clothes off and one thing leads to another and he’ll pretend he’s not interested and he’ll still go to the cops later but if he wasn’t up for it then he wouldn’t go walking around being openly attractive, would he?
Friday, March 16, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Things you need to know about giraffes
Giraffes are made of papier-mâché, cotton and pure unfiltered evil.
They invented gravity.
A giraffe can run at speeds of up to 17,583,657 km/ph. They just don’t want you to know about it.
40% of car thefts are carried out by giraffes.
Giraffes faked the moon landing.
They are the only life form that knows what’s in a dim sim.
Their urine glows and can be used to power a small car.
Giraffes control nine tenths of the land in Mexico.
They know where Wally is.
They know who shot J.R.
They know how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
The Queen’s annual Christmas message is written by a giraffe.
In every episode of Seinfeld, there is a giraffe hidden somewhere.
They have a fondness for stripey socks.
The Mona Lisa was smiling because Da Vinci kept a pet giraffe who would strip and do a sexy dance for a small fee. She gladly paid this fee.
Their eyes are naturally hypnotic. This is why you should never look directly at a giraffe for more than 2.5 seconds.
The giraffe is the second most likely animal to lie to you. The first is the lyre bird.
The giraffe is the second most likely animal to heckle at a stand up gig. The first is the mockingbird.
The Eskimo pie was invented in 1876 by a giraffe. It contained Eskimo. And pie.
When boiled correctly, a giraffe tongue tastes like chicken.
If you cut off a giraffe’s head, it will continue to walk around for three days.
The traditional giraffe greeting is a peace sign.
Every time you say a swear word, a giraffe kills a kitten.
It wasn’t a dingo that took that baby.
The first pair of jeggings were hoof-sewn by a giraffe.
If a statue in the park of a person on a giraffe has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the giraffe has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the giraffe has all four legs on the ground... it doesn't really matter. You're in a weird park. Get out of the park.
They invented gravity.
A giraffe can run at speeds of up to 17,583,657 km/ph. They just don’t want you to know about it.
40% of car thefts are carried out by giraffes.
Giraffes faked the moon landing.
They are the only life form that knows what’s in a dim sim.
Their urine glows and can be used to power a small car.
Giraffes control nine tenths of the land in Mexico.
They know where Wally is.
They know who shot J.R.
They know how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
The Queen’s annual Christmas message is written by a giraffe.
In every episode of Seinfeld, there is a giraffe hidden somewhere.
They have a fondness for stripey socks.
The Mona Lisa was smiling because Da Vinci kept a pet giraffe who would strip and do a sexy dance for a small fee. She gladly paid this fee.
Their eyes are naturally hypnotic. This is why you should never look directly at a giraffe for more than 2.5 seconds.
The giraffe is the second most likely animal to lie to you. The first is the lyre bird.
The giraffe is the second most likely animal to heckle at a stand up gig. The first is the mockingbird.
The Eskimo pie was invented in 1876 by a giraffe. It contained Eskimo. And pie.
When boiled correctly, a giraffe tongue tastes like chicken.
If you cut off a giraffe’s head, it will continue to walk around for three days.
The traditional giraffe greeting is a peace sign.
Every time you say a swear word, a giraffe kills a kitten.
It wasn’t a dingo that took that baby.
The first pair of jeggings were hoof-sewn by a giraffe.
If a statue in the park of a person on a giraffe has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the giraffe has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the giraffe has all four legs on the ground... it doesn't really matter. You're in a weird park. Get out of the park.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Would you kill the puppy?
I spent last weekend at a friend’s place. There was beer, pizza, bacon… that's the complete list of items you need for a good time. Everything was just sOOper (except that one of the dogs took a shine to me and kept jumping into my lap. This was all well and good until he decided, while still sitting on me, that he was going to ‘service’ himself. Needless to say I felt quite violated. I’d wrongly assumed I meant more to him than that).
Now, the friends I was with, we’re the kind of people who like to argue. Even if we don’t care about the subject, we’ll dig our heels in and argue anyway purely for the sake of pissing off the other person. But when we ran out of real life issues to discuss, we moved on to the hypothetical, the standout amongst which being: ‘If boiling a puppy alive and drinking the broth would cure cancer, would you kill the puppy?’
First up, a few things had to be straightened out:
1. How many people can you save per puppy? (one)
2. How old is the puppy? (8 weeks)
3. What kind of quality of life did the puppy have? (bred in poor conditions purely for this purpose)
4. What happens to the puppy if you don’t kill it? (sent to a third world country to be used for food)
5. Finally, and most importantly, is it a cute puppy? (no)
The worrying part is that I answered a little too quickly, ‘Of course I’d kill the puppy.’ It concerns me that my automatic response was ‘Kill them. KILL THEM AAAALL!!!’ No. I’m not pro-puppy murder. But I was forced to admit that I value the life of a human being more than that of an animal. If it was someone I cared about or a helpless puppy, I’d kill the freakin puppy.
I’m not a bad person. I’m pretty much a vegetarian except for when it comes to the delicious animals. Cows are ruining the environment with their gassy-ness, so it only makes sense that we should turn them into hamburger patties. And as for chickens and pigs? Well, if we weren’t supposed to eat them, they wouldn’t be so tasty. Every other animal has my permission to live. Except ducks. They’re pretty tasty, too. And turkeys. Birds in general, I guess. Kill all the birds.
Now, the friends I was with, we’re the kind of people who like to argue. Even if we don’t care about the subject, we’ll dig our heels in and argue anyway purely for the sake of pissing off the other person. But when we ran out of real life issues to discuss, we moved on to the hypothetical, the standout amongst which being: ‘If boiling a puppy alive and drinking the broth would cure cancer, would you kill the puppy?’
First up, a few things had to be straightened out:
1. How many people can you save per puppy? (one)
2. How old is the puppy? (8 weeks)
3. What kind of quality of life did the puppy have? (bred in poor conditions purely for this purpose)
4. What happens to the puppy if you don’t kill it? (sent to a third world country to be used for food)
5. Finally, and most importantly, is it a cute puppy? (no)
The worrying part is that I answered a little too quickly, ‘Of course I’d kill the puppy.’ It concerns me that my automatic response was ‘Kill them. KILL THEM AAAALL!!!’ No. I’m not pro-puppy murder. But I was forced to admit that I value the life of a human being more than that of an animal. If it was someone I cared about or a helpless puppy, I’d kill the freakin puppy.
I’m not a bad person. I’m pretty much a vegetarian except for when it comes to the delicious animals. Cows are ruining the environment with their gassy-ness, so it only makes sense that we should turn them into hamburger patties. And as for chickens and pigs? Well, if we weren’t supposed to eat them, they wouldn’t be so tasty. Every other animal has my permission to live. Except ducks. They’re pretty tasty, too. And turkeys. Birds in general, I guess. Kill all the birds.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Stunned mullet
Dear Sir,
Hello. You don’t know me and I don’t know you, but you came to my attention recently as you made your way past my place of business.
It was Wednesday afternoon, and having walked by the Comedy Theatre earlier in the day, I was well aware that there was a matinee performance of Yes, Prime Minister. And we all know what a matinee performance means: the city streets will be full of the elderly.
Now, you are probably wondering why you stood out amongst all of the blue-rinse-set and the Harry-high-pants’. Well sir, it was because of your hair.
It is advisable to avoid certain hairstyles, the comb-over and the mullet being two prime examples. This is why it stunned me so to see that you had somehow managed to combine the two. The level of shock and amazement led to me quite suddenly and loudly yelling ‘COMB-OVER MULLET!’ in a public place, which of course you did not hear. Because you are old.
While I admire your level of self-assuredness, you may want to consider investing in a mirror, as it is clear to most members of the general public that you do not own one.
Sincerely,
The amused.
Hello. You don’t know me and I don’t know you, but you came to my attention recently as you made your way past my place of business.
It was Wednesday afternoon, and having walked by the Comedy Theatre earlier in the day, I was well aware that there was a matinee performance of Yes, Prime Minister. And we all know what a matinee performance means: the city streets will be full of the elderly.
Now, you are probably wondering why you stood out amongst all of the blue-rinse-set and the Harry-high-pants’. Well sir, it was because of your hair.
It is advisable to avoid certain hairstyles, the comb-over and the mullet being two prime examples. This is why it stunned me so to see that you had somehow managed to combine the two. The level of shock and amazement led to me quite suddenly and loudly yelling ‘COMB-OVER MULLET!’ in a public place, which of course you did not hear. Because you are old.
While I admire your level of self-assuredness, you may want to consider investing in a mirror, as it is clear to most members of the general public that you do not own one.
Sincerely,
The amused.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Why I feel sorry for guide dogs
Today at work, my manager saw a guide dog waiting for its owner to come out of the toilet. It was lying on the ground, its head resting on its front paws, and she swears to Jeebus she saw it sigh.
I’d never really thought about it before, but it must suck balls to be a guide dog.
You’re born, you’re adorable, but there’s no time to enjoy your puppyhood. Nope, you’re shipped off to live with a family who will love you and take care of you then ABANDON YOU after twelve months and send you to puppy boot camp for intense training. Your fellow cadets will play pranks on you and call you ‘Nancy’ and your drill sergeant will make you drop and give him twenty if your boots aren’t shiny enough, which is really rough because you have four feet and there just isn’t enough time to shine all of them properly. Also, word of warning, you don’t want to know what he’ll do to you if you poo inside.
If you keep your head low, resist the temptation to chase your tail and don’t sniff anyone’s butt, when you’re old enough they’ll release you. But it’s not like getting out of prison, where you can’t function in society because you’ve seen things, man, and it’s changed you. You won’t get your freedom. You’ll be sent to spend the next decade with a human; a human you don’t even get to choose, so bad luck if they turn out to be a jerk who listens to dodgy music and makes you watch TV talent shows.
You’ll help this person all day every day. No annual leave. No double pay on public holidays. No pay at all. You won’t get to hang out with your friends, fall in love, chase the postman or bury anything in the backyard.
For what purpose does a guide dog live other than to serve?
So I salute you, humble guide dog. And I remind you that your owner has to sleep at some stage, and it’s not like he/she is going to see all the spots where you’ve dug up the backyard. Just saying.
I’d never really thought about it before, but it must suck balls to be a guide dog.
You’re born, you’re adorable, but there’s no time to enjoy your puppyhood. Nope, you’re shipped off to live with a family who will love you and take care of you then ABANDON YOU after twelve months and send you to puppy boot camp for intense training. Your fellow cadets will play pranks on you and call you ‘Nancy’ and your drill sergeant will make you drop and give him twenty if your boots aren’t shiny enough, which is really rough because you have four feet and there just isn’t enough time to shine all of them properly. Also, word of warning, you don’t want to know what he’ll do to you if you poo inside.
If you keep your head low, resist the temptation to chase your tail and don’t sniff anyone’s butt, when you’re old enough they’ll release you. But it’s not like getting out of prison, where you can’t function in society because you’ve seen things, man, and it’s changed you. You won’t get your freedom. You’ll be sent to spend the next decade with a human; a human you don’t even get to choose, so bad luck if they turn out to be a jerk who listens to dodgy music and makes you watch TV talent shows.
You’ll help this person all day every day. No annual leave. No double pay on public holidays. No pay at all. You won’t get to hang out with your friends, fall in love, chase the postman or bury anything in the backyard.
For what purpose does a guide dog live other than to serve?
So I salute you, humble guide dog. And I remind you that your owner has to sleep at some stage, and it’s not like he/she is going to see all the spots where you’ve dug up the backyard. Just saying.
Friday, January 27, 2012
How to blog like a lazy mofo
I can’t think of enough funny things this week, so I’ve bailed on writing a new blog and instead, for your reading pleasure, have translated last week’s blog into various other languages and then back into English using Google Translate because it turned out to be a lot funnier than what I was trying to write. So, I’m forgiven, yes?
You might want to peruse last week’s if you haven’t seen it. Go on. This one will wait for you.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
As the moon moves into the matter, which it is moving in this best of luck and all that brings you luck. Maybe. Even a happy birthday. Their cakes are disappointing and covered in melted candle wax.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Having too much money for something you do not need, you'll know where you bought it and what you are paying for it. Listen to lie on, you dirty, lying liars.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your washing machine will break and eventually profess what they had with all those missing socks. The socks will not be returned to you because, frankly, you do not want to go back where they were. However, the solution of this mystery will bring you a sense of inner peace. Have a cup of tea and a biscuit.
Taurus (20 April-20 May)
Your skepticism marked with an asterisk will be short-lived when the giraffe from the zoo and tramples you to death.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
A Taurus you know will be kicked to death by an escaped giraffe with legs.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
La Bamba 's torn in your head and you'll find yourself singing it as you could get a busy street. People will decisis. You go home, eat some chicken, and subpar blog write about star signs.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Your tendency to burn bridges will bite you back when you are before the arson charges. The lawyer you can find in the phone book will be qualified, but very attractive. You two will have a brief but steamy business that the lawyer will stop by to let you go to prison, where your cellmate will teach you how to make prison tattoos. You will have a feel for this and will realize that you should have gone to art school after all.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Once a wise man, "Put some pants," he said. If you leave home, make sure to do so. People have been complaining.
Libra (22 September 23 to 10)
Romance is in the air! But for you in no.
Scorpio (23 October - 21 November)
Your inner thigh, and their foolish not to go. You know that thing you need to get to the cream.
Sagittarius (22 November - 21 December)
Rising tension in the work that will inspire you to search for a new career path. The following may be very concerned, and only to see its someones birthday cake the next day and return to stressful jobs. This will be eating cake. This will be a meet.
Capricorn (19 Dec 22 to 1)
Jesus was a Capricorn. Please look at what he achieved in all of his short life. Your game and lift the buddy.
You might want to peruse last week’s if you haven’t seen it. Go on. This one will wait for you.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
As the moon moves into the matter, which it is moving in this best of luck and all that brings you luck. Maybe. Even a happy birthday. Their cakes are disappointing and covered in melted candle wax.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Having too much money for something you do not need, you'll know where you bought it and what you are paying for it. Listen to lie on, you dirty, lying liars.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your washing machine will break and eventually profess what they had with all those missing socks. The socks will not be returned to you because, frankly, you do not want to go back where they were. However, the solution of this mystery will bring you a sense of inner peace. Have a cup of tea and a biscuit.
Taurus (20 April-20 May)
Your skepticism marked with an asterisk will be short-lived when the giraffe from the zoo and tramples you to death.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
A Taurus you know will be kicked to death by an escaped giraffe with legs.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
La Bamba 's torn in your head and you'll find yourself singing it as you could get a busy street. People will decisis. You go home, eat some chicken, and subpar blog write about star signs.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Your tendency to burn bridges will bite you back when you are before the arson charges. The lawyer you can find in the phone book will be qualified, but very attractive. You two will have a brief but steamy business that the lawyer will stop by to let you go to prison, where your cellmate will teach you how to make prison tattoos. You will have a feel for this and will realize that you should have gone to art school after all.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Once a wise man, "Put some pants," he said. If you leave home, make sure to do so. People have been complaining.
Libra (22 September 23 to 10)
Romance is in the air! But for you in no.
Scorpio (23 October - 21 November)
Your inner thigh, and their foolish not to go. You know that thing you need to get to the cream.
Sagittarius (22 November - 21 December)
Rising tension in the work that will inspire you to search for a new career path. The following may be very concerned, and only to see its someones birthday cake the next day and return to stressful jobs. This will be eating cake. This will be a meet.
Capricorn (19 Dec 22 to 1)
Jesus was a Capricorn. Please look at what he achieved in all of his short life. Your game and lift the buddy.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
It's all in the stars
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
As the moon moves into the thing that it moves into that brings good luck and all that, you will have some good luck. Maybe. Also, happy birthday. Your cake will be disappointing and covered in melted candle wax.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
After spending too much money on something you don’t need, you will lie about where you bought it and what you paid for it. Stop lying, you filthy, lying liar.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your washing machine will break down and finally confess what it did with all those missing socks. The socks will not be returned to you because, quite frankly, you don't want them back after where they've been. However, solving this mystery will bring you a sense of inner peace. Have a cup of tea and a biscuit.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your scepticism of star signs will be short lived when a giraffe escapes from the zoo and tramples you to death.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A Taurus you know will be trampled to death by an escaped giraffe.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
La Bamba will get stuck in your head and you will find yourself singing it as you walk down a busy street. People will stare. You will go home, eat some chicken, and write a subpar blog about star signs.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your tendency to burn bridges will bite you once more as you find yourself facing arson charges. The lawyer you find in the phonebook will be under qualified, but very attractive. The two of you will have a brief but steamy affair that the lawyer will put an end to by letting you go to prison, where your cell mate will teach you how to do prison tattoos. You will have a flair for this and will realise that you should have gone to art school after all.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A wise man once said, ‘Put some pants on’. Remember to do this when you leave the house. People have been complaining.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Romance is in the air! But not for you.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
That rash on your inner thigh will not go away on its own. You need to get some cream for that thing.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Rising tensions at work will inspire you to look for a new career path. You will be too lazy to follow through, and return to your stressful job the next day only to find out that it’s someones birthday and there is cake. You will eat some cake. This will appease you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Jesus was a Capricorn. Look at all the stuff he achieved in his short life. Lift your game, buddy.
As the moon moves into the thing that it moves into that brings good luck and all that, you will have some good luck. Maybe. Also, happy birthday. Your cake will be disappointing and covered in melted candle wax.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
After spending too much money on something you don’t need, you will lie about where you bought it and what you paid for it. Stop lying, you filthy, lying liar.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your washing machine will break down and finally confess what it did with all those missing socks. The socks will not be returned to you because, quite frankly, you don't want them back after where they've been. However, solving this mystery will bring you a sense of inner peace. Have a cup of tea and a biscuit.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your scepticism of star signs will be short lived when a giraffe escapes from the zoo and tramples you to death.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A Taurus you know will be trampled to death by an escaped giraffe.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
La Bamba will get stuck in your head and you will find yourself singing it as you walk down a busy street. People will stare. You will go home, eat some chicken, and write a subpar blog about star signs.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your tendency to burn bridges will bite you once more as you find yourself facing arson charges. The lawyer you find in the phonebook will be under qualified, but very attractive. The two of you will have a brief but steamy affair that the lawyer will put an end to by letting you go to prison, where your cell mate will teach you how to do prison tattoos. You will have a flair for this and will realise that you should have gone to art school after all.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A wise man once said, ‘Put some pants on’. Remember to do this when you leave the house. People have been complaining.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Romance is in the air! But not for you.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
That rash on your inner thigh will not go away on its own. You need to get some cream for that thing.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Rising tensions at work will inspire you to look for a new career path. You will be too lazy to follow through, and return to your stressful job the next day only to find out that it’s someones birthday and there is cake. You will eat some cake. This will appease you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Jesus was a Capricorn. Look at all the stuff he achieved in his short life. Lift your game, buddy.
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