Sleep deprivation – A study into the effects of

Along with putting your pyjamas on at 4:30pm because you’ve lost the will to go on, walking into large items and not realising until you notice the bruise and/or blood, and extending the ‘five second rule’ to the ‘however many seconds it takes me to pick it up because I’ve been getting up for work at 4am and I can’t move that fast this week’ rule, these are some of the other plights of the sleep deprived (and by that I mean me):

Hearing loss
Well rested person: ‘I like Jack and his wife.’
Sleep deprived person: ‘What? Japanese wife?’

Odd trains of thought
Well rested person: ‘The flaps on the coffee cart are held up by gassy struts.’
Sleep deprived person: ‘“Gassy Struts” sounds like an overweight stripper.’

Falling asleep while standing up
At work
At work for a second time
On public transport

Hate
‘Bloody kids.’
‘Bloody wind.’
‘Bloody kids with wind.’

Strange relationships with food
-Eating every item of food in the house not because you’re hungry, but because it’s there and if you’re chewing you won’t fall asleep.
-Eating because you can’t remember whether or not you’ve already eaten.
-Cursing the wind again while waiting for the train because it’s blowing across the smell of deliciousness from the bakery a few streets over and you would genuinely consider punching a stranger in the face for a donut.
-Falling in love with a bag of chips and threatening violence against people you’ve known and loved your entire life when they ask if they can have one.
-Being sickeningly nice to a co-worker all day because they bought you a bacon and egg sandwich and you’ve now reached the conclusion that nothing else matters in life but the magical taste of bacon.