Thursday, March 25, 2010


I hate the new version of Microsoft Word. I don’t like the GPS lady’s tone. No one needs a phone with a light sabre on it (special consideration if you're an actual Jedi, in that case it would be extremely useful).

Not many people know this about me, but I came up with the idea for TIVO. Sadly I can’t take any legal action against the company that produces it, because I have no solid evidence. I never made a prototype due to that fact that when I came up with the idea, it was 1992, and I was five. I had neither the technology, nor the capacity, to piece together something like that. But how does a five year old come up with such an idea? From their dream of a simpler world, and their inability to work a VCR.

I resisted joining Myspace, then I resisted the move from Myspace to Facebook on the grounds that there’s no real difference between the two. You’ve got your friend requests, your status updates, that little “people you might know” box, which I never understood the point of. Yes, I know these people, but there’s a reason why I’m not friends with them. Facebook is just Myspace without the glitter, and I like glitter. Eventually though, you realise that there’s no one left on Myspace except you, Tom, and a whole lot of music.

My phone is a piece of shite (not literally). It doesn’t have Bluetooth, it doesn’t have video, the memory isn’t big enough to hold an entire ringtone... the list goes on. So why did I buy it? Well, it’s pink.
The main way it makes my daily life hell is the dictionary. Many a text message has been typed out one letter at a time because it has never heard of 9 out of every 10 words in the English language, and you can’t save new ones in there (eg. it offers you six other combinations of letters before it offers you the word 'poo'). It’s hard to navigate someone through Melbourne when the corner of Flinders and Swanston has become the corner of 'Elimddpp and Swamptm6 .'
I used to work in Hawthorn. This phone doesn’t know Hawthorn, it only knows 'Gaythorn.' And that’s the story of the time I laughed so hard at work that I almost wet my pants.

I realise I’ve been slagging off technology for a while now, so I’d like to point out some of the good points. For starters, self checkout units have made shoplifting effortless.* Then there’s our little friend Twitter. Ah, Twitter. When my parents were my age, and they were on the train, they had to write to all of their friends to let them know. That process was both expensive and time consuming, not to mention extremely wasteful. And by the time you got to the postbox to send them, you weren’t on the train anymore, rendering the entire exercise pointless.

How did people ever survive?

*I've never shoplifted. For reals, I haven't.

Friday, March 19, 2010

20 Questions

21, technically.

  1. Does it make you a hypocrite if you’re happy for Miss Piggy to be in love with Kermit, but freaked out by the way Gonzo is sexually attracted to chickens?
  2. Is there anything wrong with trying not to think too much about your pin number while standing at the ATM on the off chance that the person behind you can hear your thoughts?
  3. Is it weird to name your boobs after the Two Ronnies because they’re both brilliant, but one is noticeably smaller?
  4. Is it weird to name your boobs?
  5. If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, is Napoleon Dynamite still one of the most overrated films of all time?
  6. Will romance novels become obsolete now that we have high speed internet connections?
  7. Is it OK to smack a friend in the face for being the only person in the world besides Kanye West who thinks that Kanye West is Jesus?
  8. Now that Michael Jackson has faked his death, how long will it be before they release a “lost” single featuring him and Tupac?
  9. Would people care more about political elections if we held them via a reality TV show and SMS vote?
  10. Are giraffes supposed to be terrifying?
  11. Has George Michael ever been arrested somewhere classy?
  12. Is ShamWow the devil’s work?
  13. How much therapy do you need if your ultimate sexual fantasy is to be lost in space with Doctor Who? (The hot one, clearly.)
  14. If real estate agents are allowed to call dilapidated houses “a renovators delight,” can you call an ugly boyfriend or girlfriend “a real fixer-upper?”
  15. Is the universe trying to tell you something if your highschool PE teacher's name rhymes with "molester?"
  16. Should breakfast consist of more than a jar of Nutella and a spoon?
  17. Is man’s natural enemy the revolving door?
  18. Why don’t the TV networks just hook up The Bachelor with The Bachelorette and be done with it?
  19. Everyone has considered starting a doomsday cult, right?
  20. If you try to get to sleep at night by clearing your mind, and it becomes so clear that you forget to breathe, are you doing it wrong? Or are you just awesome at it?

Friday, March 12, 2010

Hero Worship

I’ve known my best mate since I was 6. We had bad haircuts together, suffered injuries in our first moshpit together, and went slightly stir crazy that one time we tried to do the 40 Hour Famine together. Despite shared interests and shared experiences, there has always been one issue we could never agree on. One argument that has never been settled. Life’s eternal question:

Superman or Batman?

Now, remember that there are no right or wrong answers here. Unless you picked Batman. Then you're wrong. So very, very wrong.

Argument 1: Who would win in a fight between the two?
The only logical answer is Superman. This conclusion has been reached on the grounds that Superman is, in fact, super. Have you ever seen Batman turn back time? No? Didn’t think so. Next question.

Argument 2: Batman has the sexier outfit
Correct. But if we’re judging comic book heroes based purely on aesthetics, let’s not rule out the Hulk. Do you know how politically incorrect it is to discriminate against someone based on the colour of their skin? Jeez, racist much? I don’t know about the rest of society, but I like him when he’s angry. I like him a lot.

Argument 3: Superman has better Movie Titles
Superman. Superman II. Superman III - Clear. Precise. Easy to follow.
Batman Forever. Batman Begins. Batman and the Temple of Doom. Batman and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Batman and Kumar go to Whitecastle - Pretentious. Confusing. Lost track in the 90s.

Argument 4: Who the hell is Robin and what purpose does he serve?
Nobody, and none. Superman never needed a sidekick, or a creepy butler. He took care of business all on his own, y’all.

Argument 5: Bruce Wayne is less irritating than Clark Kent
That’s a matter of opinion, isn’t it? OK, so Clark was a little whiney, but Bruce Wayne has issues. Dark issues. Dressing as a bat, for one. That, and he’s a little bit too into gadgets. You know full well that if you ever met him in real life, he’d show you his iPhone apps.

Argument 6: The mystery of The Superman Curse
The Superman franchise comes with its own conspiracy theory, and who doesn’t love one of those? You know, besides the people who were victims of it. The theory is that if you play the role of Superman, you will die a tragic and untimely death (George Reeves, Christopher Reeve, etc.). But what about Dean Cain?’ you ask, 'he didn’t die a tragic and untimely death.’ Well, no, but his career did. And if that’s not good enough for you, there’s still time.*

Argument 7: Superman has never been portrayed on the big screen by George Clooney
Case in point.

Superman 4evaaaah!!!!!!!1

*In no way do I wish tragedy and misfortune on Dean Cain. I’ve never met the man, I’m sure he’s lovely. Really.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Career Opportunities

“I’m going to teach you a lesson you’ll never forget.”
What was that lesson? Pythagoras' Theorem.

I finished high school in 2005, and though it’s only been a few years, I’ve realised something. Only three facts from the whole time I was there have actually stuck in my head:
  1. How to find the length of the hypotenuse
  2. Hitler allegedly only had one testicle
  3. The word 'banana' in Italian is 'banana'
In year 7 we studied Africa. For the test, you had to list as many African countries as you could on a blank sheet of paper. I did reasonably well with this. My list went into the high 30s. Thinking about it this morning though, I came up with four: Egypt, Kenya, Nigeria, and… the other one.

I was always a good student, with the exception of PE (come back and talk to me when you’re a real subject). And surely the ‘D’ on my report for that one semester I did of drama stood for “Dramatically gifted.”

When the end of year 12 came around, I still didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. A meeting with my careers teacher resulted in me being asked the following question: “Well, what are you interested in besides shitty rock bands?” Really, he asked me that. Apparently the options are quite limited for someone whose main goal in life is to one day own the complete series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD (bloody hell that show was brilliant. Speaking of brilliant shows, when is Blossom coming out on DVD? She was my hero in primary school. I got a hat with a big flower on it and everything. Kids these days ain’t learning nothing from Hannah Montana). I wanted to aim a little higher than the fast food industry. I wanted something that might hold my interest for more than 5 minutes. And while it may be the oldest profession in the world, prostitution is only as easy as you are. That had to be ruled out too.

While it was both rude and extremely disrespectful to my CD collection, the “shitty rock bands” comment led me to a Diploma of Music Industry Business. It was sex, drugs, and rock n roll baby! Just without the sex and the drugs. And with a lot more Occupational Health & Safety. I can’t sing or play an instrument, but if you want to know about music copyright laws, don’t ask me. I’ve forgotten.

All I know is that in another 45 years, John Lennon’s lyrics become public domain. Unless they’re the ones he wrote with Paul McCartney. If you want those ones, you’ll need to have McCartney killed, then wait out the next 75 years. Bummer.