Friday, June 25, 2010

Great days in history: June 25

If you live in the Philippines, happy Arbour Day! Yay for trees!

If you’re Nicole Kidman and/or Keith Urban, happy anniversary! Yay for not being Tom cruise!

If you’re American, happy National Catfish Day! Yay for catfish! (Not just any catfish though, it only celebrates the farm raised ones. That’s a tad discriminatory. No one should be judged or excluded based on where they were born, which is something President Regan neglected to mention in the speech he made when the day was introduced. And he called himself a leader. For shame, sir. For. Shame.)

If you’re a Michael Jackson fan, welcome to me never being able to have another birthday without someone saying ‘You know it’s been *insert number here* many years since Michael Jackson died?’ and everyone else saying ‘Wow, really?’ and me saying ‘Who wants cake?’ and them saying ‘So sad, isn’t it?’ and me saying ‘It’s good cake,’ and them saying ‘He was so talented,’ and me saying ‘Like, really good cake,’ and them carrying on with the conversation as I start to quietly weep into the icing.

Yes, today we celebrate the fact that I managed to make it through another year without accepting candy from strangers, forgetting to look both ways before crossing the street, or getting (fatally) electrocuted. High five!

For a child raised in a (loosely) Christian manner, June 25 is the best possible date for a birthday to fall. Why? It’s exactly six months from Christmas. Presents were always distributed to me on a half yearly basis, and with careful planning, a kid could make their birthday money last the entire six months. Of course, I never took part in this careful planning, and pissed it away in the toy department at Kmart the very next weekend. It’s not my fault Barbie needed so much crap, it’s society’s fault.

Wikipedia tells us that I share my birthday with the likes of George Orwell, Carly Simon, Ricky Gervais, Phill Jupitus (who I saw walking around Edinburgh last year during the Fringe wearing a hat that I can only describe as hideous), and some rapper called ‘Candyman.’ If he’s actually made of candy, it’s gonna be one kick ass party. However, it’s also George Michael’s birthday, so you might want to avoid using the men’s room.

But it’s not all about births, deaths and marriages. And fish. Other things have also occurred on this day. The BBC claims that on the 25th of June 1970, the US launched a new peace plan for the Middle East. Glad to see that worked out.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Follow me...

Operation world domination hasn’t been moving along as quickly as I’d hoped. My cousin said he’d post links to the blog on his Facebook page if I mentioned him. Which I just did. I hope he enjoyed it. But on the off chance that he didn’t, I decided to do some further research into increasing blog traffic.

  • Invite guest bloggers
    Dear President Obama/Betty White/Sponge Bob, you seem to be quite popular. Would you care to contribute to my blog? B.Y.O topics and witticisms.
  • Remove the comments section so people can’t see all the zeros
    No, I don’t want to lose the 8 comments I already have. I love each one of them dearly. It’s like I own little pieces of your souls.
  • Make lists
    People I’d turn gay for: Regina Spektor, the original Brand Power lady, Judy Jetson*
  • Use a human voice
    Recent studies have shown this to be only marginally more popular than meerkat.
  • Be the first to break news
    I just found $5 in the pocket of my jeans. More details at 11:00.
  • Make posts that will stand the test of time
    I think those S Club 7 kids are going somewhere. I really do.
  • Have ads that are relevant to your content
    Sesame Street is on the telly. Dr Suess is in bookshops. God is everywhere.
  • Write in English
  • Be controversial
    I don't care for Bindi Irwin very much at all.
  • Ask provocative questions
    Busy later? Nudge nudge, wink wink.
  • Use buzzwords
    Beiber, Twilight, Viagra, iPad, Kim Kardashian’s ass.
  • Discuss current events
    So… politics, eh? That… that's something.
  • Post photos
    This is the rubber band ball I made at work last year. It is next to a $1 coin.

    If you're not familiar with Australian currency, you will not understand the full scale and/or impressiveness of my handiwork. The Australian $1 coin is approximately the size of a large goat. I know right? I’ve got mad skillz.
  • Don't be boring
    ...please excuse the rubber band ball.
  • Run a contest
    Your mum’s a contest.**
  • Use correct grammer
    i really dont thinks that was not never a issue. semicolon semicolon semicolon.
  • Flatter your readers
    I could not agree more with your religious and political views. I love your taste in music/movies/blogs. Have you lost weight? We should hang out more.
  • Join forums and pretend to be someone else
    wat up??? LoL!!! :P I lyk totes fownd dis blog nd its awe$ome!!! u shood fllw it!!1 :D

*if she was not from the future, and not underage. And, you know, real. There are just too many obstacles to our love.
**I did consider a Mark Watson style 'first person to comment gets to suggest a topic' type deal, but I know too many smart arses who'd write something like 'quantum physics' and cause me to have a panic attack and die.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Are you there Lauren? It's me, God

‘Heyyyyyy, it’s the G-Man. Sorry I didn’t call back sooner, but you try dealing with six billion messages! Most of which were, you know, from you… I’ve been pretty busy with other stuff too. Did you see what I did with the volcano? How cool was that! Ahhh, I’m brilliant… call me!’

‘Ok, now I feel bad. The real reason I didn’t call back is because, well, you’re kind of clingy. It gets annoying. I guess it’s not your fault, I'm the one who made you that way. Anyway, I’ve decided to make peace, because life’s too short. No, really, it is. And you’d know this if you went to see that 2012 movie like everyone else did.’

‘Hi, God again. I forgot to say, to answer your question, wireless internet is the Devil’s work. Yeah, that guy is super tech-savvy. He keeps banging on and on and on about his iPad. You can see why I banished him, right?’

‘Found Jesus yet? If you see him, tell him to call me. And no, I’m not sending him that money, he can get a job like everyone else. Oh yeah, it’s God.’

‘You shall kill your son Isaac. Wait… oh, wow, sorry. Wrong number.’

‘Eww, dude, that wasn’t what I meant by "love thy neighbour." And stop telling people that Google knows more than me. I invented the guy who invented Google. Give me a call when you get the chance, yeah?’

‘Ugh, hey. Me again. Feeling a little bummed out today. I’m getting bored with the whole human race thing. It’s all "me, me, me" with you people. I can't believe I thought you'd be more fun than the dinosaurs. Oh well, we all make mistakes. Anyway, I should hang up in case you’re trying to call...’

‘Why, uh… why haven’t you called? I know you’re not busy, I can see you. ANSER THE PHOOOONE. Don’t just stare at it, pick it u- oh. Oh no you di’nt. Did you just roll your eyes? You did! You just did it again! I can’t believe this! You know that’s what Noah did to me? Don’t make me make you build an arc and gather two of every animal.’

‘Alright, look, I’ll level with you. I’m still pissed that you didn’t like the Grand Canyon. Do you know how much work I put into that thing? And you just stood there checking your watch the whole time. It’s not called the Average Canyon, is it? You wanted a sign from me? Fine, I'll give you a sign. Guess which finger I'm holding up.’

Friday, June 4, 2010

I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want

Last year, I found something buried under my bed. A video, to be exact. I decided to watch it, for old time’s sake, and was blown away by what I saw. Ever since that day I’ve been a woman on a mission: I want the Spice Girls movie released on DVD.

Of course, there’s the sentimental factor. I loved this movie when it came out because the Spice Girls were my life, and I was 10. Remember Girl Power? Remember the platform shoes? Remember Victoria Beckham’s original face and body? Those were the days, my friends.

This movie is hilarious, and not in an ironic ‘it’s so bad that it’s good’ kind of way, but in an awesome ‘it’s a genuinely funny movie’ kind of way. They’ve stolen technology from Doctor Who by having a tour bus that’s bigger on the inside, they get in trouble with the police for ‘frightening the pigeons,’ and we’re asked to believe that not only can Posh Spice drive a double-decker bus, but she can drive one in heels. This film has also inspired me to start insulting people by standing inches from their face and quietly saying the words ‘your mother’ into a megaphone.

There’s a struggling documentary maker, two Hollywood hotshots pitching shoddy film ideas, a pregnant friend (played by that chick from Torchwood. No, not that one. The other one. Yeah, her) who’s just been dumped by her babydaddy, an alien invasion, danger on the high seas, boot camp, a night in a haunted house, flashbacks to a simpler time, a girls night out, a ticking clock, and a bomb on a bus. And to top it all off, we’ve got Barry Humphries as a bitter newspaper editor/hater who’s trying to bring the girls down by hiring a sneaky paparazzi dude (the guy who ‘got the Teletubbies taking a poo’) to follow them. It’s everything you could ever want to see in a movie, and then some. Sadly, at the time of writing, its average rating on IMDB was 2.9/10. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

The highlight of this movie is Roger Moore as a character known only as ‘The Chief.’ He likes feeding piglets with baby bottles, and talking absolute balls. At one point, he answers the phone by saying ‘When the rabbit of chaos is pursued by the ferret of disorder through the fields of anarchy, it is time to hang your pants on the hook of darkness... whether they're clean or not.’ He then hangs up the phone.

At no point is this movie asking you to take it seriously, and that’s where its brilliance lies. But if you’re not sold yet, know this: it’s the only place you’ll ever hear Stephen Fry say the words ‘wicked, dirty, phat bass line.’