Friday, July 29, 2011

Back to school

This week marked my second week back in the classroom after that whole ditching-school-to-run-away-to-the-other-side-of-the-world-for-a-bit incident from earlier in the year. I went back with the best of intentions. This time it was going to be different. This time I was actually going to get my homework done. I was going to be a good little writing student and work on my novel every day.

So far, we have seen no evidence of this.

Wednesday afternoon I got home from work and decided I was going to do some writing. Here’s how the afternoon/evening unfolded:
2:00 – Turn computer on, check email and log in to Facebook.
3:00 – Still on Facebook.
4:00 – Facebook.
5:00 – Decide it’s time for a Youtube break.
6:00 – More Youtube.
7:00 – Stop for dinner, then a quick shower, then back to Facebook.
8:00 – See a picture of Dr Phil without a moustache, need some time to recover.
9:00 – It is now officially past my bed time. Writing will have to wait until tomorrow. Go to bed.

Thursday – Class, then Facebook.

However, I have chosen not accept responsibility for this - as that would involve a level of maturity that I do not yet possess - and tell anyone who asks that I’m a victim of the times. Back in the day, university students had to use their imaginations to procrastinate. Now we have the internet and all the joy and magic that comes with it. Not to mention the short attention span. I was so distracted yesterday afternoon that after using the Nutella, instead of putting the jar back in the cupboard, I attempted to place it in the dishwasher.

It’s ok though, I’m going to get some work done this weekend. But I’m also a little bit over that novel I’m reading, so I should buckle down and get it finished so I can move on to another book. You know, my room’s pretty messy too, I need to have a massive cleanout. Oh yeah, and those DVDs I borrowed from my brother, I should probably watch those so I can return them. What? It’s Monday again? Brilliant.

Friday, July 22, 2011

The eleven people you see at every gig

The tall guy
Defining characteristics: he is tall.
Location: standing right in front of you.

The guy who yells the words to the song louder than the music coming through the speakers
Defining characteristics: wearing the band t-shirt, has his fist in the air, is extremely sweaty. Like, really, really sweaty. Looks like he’s been pushed in a swimming pool kind of sweaty.
Location: right beside your ear.

The girl who won’t stop going ‘WOO!’
Defining characteristics: she won’t shut the eff up.
Location: right beside your other ear.

The tragic old guy who can’t let go of his youth
Defining characteristics: tries to dress hip, keeps talking to the kids about music and wondering why they’re trying to get away from him.
Location: too close to the kids.

The old guy who is genuinely interested in the band
Defining characteristics: has a drink in his hand, nods his head to the music, has a look of defeat on his face over the knowledge that he is constantly being mistaken for the tragic old guy.
Location: standing around at the back.

The boyfriend/girlfriend who has been dragged along unwillingly by their partner
Defining characteristics: an extreme look of boredom. Unless their other half is looking their way, then they’re faking a smile. Poorly.
Location: right beside someone who looks excited.

The security guard who thinks he’s tough
Defining characteristics: built, but only about 5 feet tall and clearly suffering from short man syndrome.
Location: at the front giving the stink eye to anyone who dared to bring a camera.

The guy who smacks you in the head every time he puts his hands up in the air (and waves them like he just doesn’t care)
Defining characteristics: has his arms up. Smells like a dickhead. Because he is.
Location: right behind you.

The girl who only came to see the support band and thinks she’s better than you because she only came to see the support band
Defining characteristics: talks down to you between each band's set.
Location: hopefully outside soon.

The crowd surfer
Defining characteristics: most likely male, shirtless and missing a shoe.
Location: right on top of you. Unless people dropped him. Then he’s probably on the floor.

Defining characteristics: love the band, really want to enjoy yourself, but quietly hating all the people around you.
Location: behind the tall guy, right between the guy who sings too loud and the girl who keeps squealing, underneath the crowd surfer, getting smacked in the back of the head.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Lauren’s Book Club: Where Wally is (and what he’s keeping from us)

Books! Woo! Reading! Yeah!

Where’s Wally – Martin Handford

There was one question that plagued, baffled, and in some cases caused major eye strain to children in the early to mid nineties. What was that question, you ask? Well shut up for a second and I’ll tell you. The question was this: Just where, exactly, is Wally?

There he is. Yeah, over there in the stripy jumper. No not that one, over a little more to the left. Yeah, that’s him, the bugger in the glasses with the magic walking stick. I know, right? Apparently he knows a wizard.

That was an ordeal, wasn’t it? It’s a bit harsh how they make so many other people look like him. You would never see that many people wearing red and white striped jumpers in the real world.

Though we are led to believe that Wally’s whereabouts is the main issue here, these books tend to ask more questions than they answer. Why is he always hanging out in big crowds? Who is he hiding from? Why do the Americans call him ‘Waldo’? Does no one else think it’s odd that he has multiple identities? The man travels a lot, does this name issue not make it hard for him to get through passport control? Then there’s the confusing title Where’s Wally in Hollywood. Is the answer not in the question? He’s in Hollywood. Let the kids have a day off.

Why do we never see him working? What is his main source of income? How is he funding these trips? And why do we have to find him? How hard is it to inform a friend or relative of your travel plans? I’m not one to jump to conclusions, but I think it’s a safe to say he’s a drug mule. Has anyone actually checked what’s concealed inside this alleged ‘magic’ walking stick?

I find the whole situation to be quite suspicious.

Why is there never a double page spread of Wally sitting alone in his living room, kicking back in an armchair while reading a good book? Where’s Wally? There he is, enjoying a quiet night in. How about Where's Wally in the IT department? I know you shouldn't judge someone based on their appearance, but lets face it, if he did have a job it would be in IT.

I’ll tell you why we've never seen him taking part in these everyday activities: it’s because of the drugs.

Maybe he is a drug mule. Maybe I’m just jealous that he’s friends with a wizard and I still haven’t met one. Maybe he’s just a drawing that some guy did to sell some books. I guess we’ll never know.

But it’s most likely the drugs.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Alternative meal ideas for those who are home alone

2 minute noodles: because using the stove makes you feel like a proper grown up, and this is one of the two things you know how to cook.
Toast: the other thing you know how to cook. 2 minute noodles on toast: combine your skills and wear your genius hat!

Burnt hamburger: you’re happy with this, because you’ve finally gotten over your amazing ability to cook something that’s burnt on the outside and yet raw on the inside. This time it’s just burnt. This is a clear sign that you’re moving up in the world. HINT: try to convince yourself it’s just ‘well done.’ Vegetables that you didn’t heat up for long enough: apparently you need to microwave them for a little bit longer if you don’t want them to still be frozen in the middle.
And remember: ice cream is not just for dessert. It is a welcome addition to anything. ANYTHING.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Om nom nom

I exercised twice this week. Then I ate cheesecake. Both times.

For a few weeks now I’ve been trying to cut back on the amount of sugary/fatty/deep fried food items that I consume. It hasn’t gone well. To bring about a major change in eating habits is a big thing to ask of someone who considers cake to be a reasonable breakfast choice and who writes poetry about the joy that is bacon. To be honest, I was surprised my motivation lasted until the second day.

I’ve attempted health kicks before, and they’ve all met the same end. I make all these big plans about how and when I’m going to exercise and what I’m going to eat each day. But then I remember that it’s not only easier, but also more enjoyable, to sit on the couch and eat chips.

The trouble with cutting back on junk food is that it’s so gosh darn tasty. If we were really supposed to eat vegetables, they’d taste edible. Instead, they taste like a combination of feet, arse and disappointment.

Getting up for work at 4am requires quite a lot of coffee consumption, and I refuse to drink skim milk because it doesn’t have that magical creamy taste. As for soy milk, well, that’s an abomination that the world needs to be rid of. My job also involves spending a lot of time around donuts and muffins and more donuts and a manager who shows up to work and excitedly says ‘I made brownies!’ before producing a container of brownies. Then offering me brownies. Brownies made of massive amounts of chocolate and sugar and butter. Brownies that are dusted with cocoa. Brownies that are delicious. Brownies.

My main issue with getting fit is that if I’m outside exercising, I’m not inside playing tetris, and that bothers me.