Friday, March 16, 2012

How to write a romance novel

Lesson one: Writing sexy dialogue
Ok, so there’s a pretty basic storyline for romance novels. Boy meets girl, then boy ‘meets’ girl. And there’s some kind of love rival who’s a dirty no-good scumbag and so on and so forth.

You have to use a certain type of language to keep your reader interested. Instead of using the correct names for things, sprinkle in a ‘ding-a-ling’ and a ‘hoo-haa’ here and there. And ‘mound’. Everybody has some kind of mound. So many mounds.

Most of it is pretty basic stuff, but people tend to struggle with writing sexy dialogue. They say it’s best to write what you know, and I’ve found it helps to take inspiration from my own life and just change a minor detail here and there.

In this scene, the attractive nameless man who is trying to get some shelter from the rain has just walked into a café where the only staff member is… let’s call her Laurel. There are no other customers. Just the two of them. And the glistening rain.


Laurel: ‘Hey.’
Attractive man: ‘Hi.’
Laurel: ‘Still raining outside?’
Attractive man: ‘Yep.’
Laurel: ‘You’re uh… you’re quite wet, there.’
Attractive man: ‘Yep.’
Laurel: ‘I mean… your shirt is all clingy and see through and… clingy.’
Attractive man: ‘Yeah… look, I just need somewhere to stay until the rain stops, do we really need to make small talk?’
Laurel: ‘Maybe you should get out of those wet clothes.’
Attractive man: ‘No, I’m alright. Thanks.’
Laurel: ‘Are you sure? You look cold. You know, the best thing we can do right now is get naked.’
Attractive man: ‘Excuse me?’
Laurel: ‘What is it they say? About shared body heat and all that? It would probably help if we created some friction, too.’
Attractive man: ‘Did… did you just lock that door?’
Laurel: ‘You know, the rain has made your skin look all shimmery.’
Attractive man: ‘Is there anyone else here?’
Laurel: ‘Nope. Just you and me. And the homeless man watching through the window.’
Attractive man: ‘I’d better get going.’
Laurel: ‘Do you want a drink?’
Attractive man: ‘No… OH GOD WHAT THE HELL IS IN THAT?’
Laurel: ‘Nothing.’
Attractive man: ‘WHY IS IT SO CLOUDY?’
Laurel: ‘It’s… supposed to look like that…?’
Attractive man: ‘I’m calling the police.’

Then she rips his clothes off and one thing leads to another and he’ll pretend he’s not interested and he’ll still go to the cops later but if he wasn’t up for it then he wouldn’t go walking around being openly attractive, would he?

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Things you need to know about giraffes

Giraffes are made of papier-mâché, cotton and pure unfiltered evil.

They invented gravity.

A giraffe can run at speeds of up to 17,583,657 km/ph. They just don’t want you to know about it.

40% of car thefts are carried out by giraffes.

Giraffes faked the moon landing.

They are the only life form that knows what’s in a dim sim.

Their urine glows and can be used to power a small car.

Giraffes control nine tenths of the land in Mexico.

They know where Wally is.

They know who shot J.R.

They know how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

The Queen’s annual Christmas message is written by a giraffe.

In every episode of Seinfeld, there is a giraffe hidden somewhere.

They have a fondness for stripey socks.

The Mona Lisa was smiling because Da Vinci kept a pet giraffe who would strip and do a sexy dance for a small fee. She gladly paid this fee.

Their eyes are naturally hypnotic. This is why you should never look directly at a giraffe for more than 2.5 seconds.

The giraffe is the second most likely animal to lie to you. The first is the lyre bird.

The giraffe is the second most likely animal to heckle at a stand up gig. The first is the mockingbird.

The Eskimo pie was invented in 1876 by a giraffe. It contained Eskimo. And pie.

When boiled correctly, a giraffe tongue tastes like chicken.

If you cut off a giraffe’s head, it will continue to walk around for three days.

The traditional giraffe greeting is a peace sign.

Every time you say a swear word, a giraffe kills a kitten.

It wasn’t a dingo that took that baby.

The first pair of jeggings were hoof-sewn by a giraffe.

If a statue in the park of a person on a giraffe has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the giraffe has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the giraffe has all four legs on the ground... it doesn't really matter. You're in a weird park. Get out of the park.