Friday, May 18, 2012

FAQ part trois

Hey, Lauren! How’s your novel coming along?
Yeah, alright. I wrote almost 400 words three weeks ago.

That’s… that’s not a lot.
It’s not like I haven’t been writing, I’ve just been busy working on other things.

Such as?
I wrote a pretty kick ass greeting in a birthday card last weekend.

I’ve also been responsible for some rather amusing text messages.

Right. I heard you’re living on your own at the moment, how’s that working out?
There’s a hair-monster living in my shower drain that I’m too much of a princess to remove, so now I play this game I like to call ‘Can I finish showering before the bathroom floods?’ So far I’m winning.

Uh huh. And how many times have you had ice cream for breakfast this week?
Not once!

Does 'not once' mean 'twice'?

Three times?

I was looking at some of your older blogs this morning. They’re great. Why aren’t you funny anymore?
Shuddup. You write something better, genius.

Ok, I will.

I look forward to reading it.

I look forward to you reading it.
And I look forward judging you, Judge-y McJudgeface.

That was mature. How old are you?
How old are you?

I don’t know. I don’t exist. You made me up.
Oh yeah.

You’re a strange lady.
Your mother’s a strange lady.

Good luck with the hair-monster.
Good luck with your FACE.

Friday, May 4, 2012

So... then what happened?

The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the water spout.
Down came the rain and washed the spider out.
Out came the sunshine and dried up all the rain,
so the itsy bitsy spider climbed up the spout again.

This is just a pattern, he never learns from his mistakes.
All these pointless antics just make his wife’s head ache.
Like his gambling problem or that pyramid scheme,
or the time he woke up naked with half a football team.

The question is; why does he want to stay out of the house?
And the answer he will tell you is his really annoying spouse.
She’s mean, she’s cold, she’s a little bit ditzy,
then there’s the fact she calls him ‘Itsy Bitsy’.

She puts their 200 kids to bed while he’s at the pub.
He returns home to her angry hubbub.
Itsy turns back to the door, ready to walk.
‘Don’t even think about it,’ she says. ‘We need to talk.’

‘You’ve been talking to your ex on Facebook, I only just found out.’
‘I don’t have time for this,’ he says. ‘I’m gonna go climb the spout.’
She throws a glass vase and yells ‘How dare you walk out that door?’
He says, ‘My dear, to be honest, I’d rather climb up that spout than yours.’