Thursday, January 27, 2011

23 similarities between children and the elderly

  1. They tell you exactly what they think

  2. You don’t want to be stuck at the cinema with them because they'll talk through the whole thing

  3. They need a daily routine

  4. You can’t talk to them when their shows are on

  5. They think you don’t know anything about anything

  6. They fall over a lot

  7. They don’t have to go to work

  8. They get grumpy when they’re tired

  9. You don’t like their music, and they sure as hell aren’t going to tolerate yours

  10. They don’t remember what you said to them five minutes ago

  11. They go to bed early and wake up before the rest of civilised society

  12. They can’t walk long distances and you will end up pushing them around in some kind of wheeled device

  13. You have to explain new technology to them

  14. They like caravans

  15. They need to pee every two seconds

  16. You have to remind them to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’

  17. They need help getting out of the bath

  18. They may not have any teeth

  19. They may not have any hair

  20. They need help crossing the street

  21. They are really good at getting you to do things for them

  22. You can’t hide your embarrassment when they loudly point out someone who is overweight/missing a limb/of a different ethnicity to them

  23. They are dangerous behind the wheel of a car

Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Origin of Phrases – Part 3

Dead as a dodo
Official medical scale used to distinguish between people who are extremely dead and people who are only slightly dead. The four stages of dead-ness are as follows:

Filthy rich
The practice of bathing in money has proved to be fun, though extremely unhygienic.

Famous last words
A trend made popular by soap operas, in which the phrase ‘What could possibly go wrong?’ is followed by a mudslide/massacre/explosion/acid rain/battery dying on a mobile phone.

Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth
There won’t be more gifts in there. Just teeth.

Different kettle of fish
Before the existence of fish tanks, kettles were a popular fish housing option. When Mrs Jemima Guthrie, a wealthy British socialite, had her fish kettle-napped and held for ransom, she paid the abductors only to have a kettle of far less snooty fish returned. She now keeps her pets in a large tank with a tiny scuba diving ninja to guard them.

Diamond in the rough
This phrase came into existence after the release of the film Aladdin to represent someone whose destiny it is to enter a magic cave and take nothing but the lamp. NOTHING BUT THE LAMP!*

Dead cat bounce
A stock market term meaning ‘
awesome Irish comedy band.’

Eaten out of house and home
If you’re a witch who lives in the woods, either don’t build your house out of gingerbread, or avoid small German children.

Do unto others as you would have them do to you
Hello, I’m Lauren. I would like to buy you an ice cream.

Eat my hat
Bart Simpson’s original catchphrase before the animators engaged in an all out brawl after a disagreement over what colour the aforementioned hat should be. 14 animators were killed before they decided to just put some spikey crap on his head and draw him with shorts.

Drink like a fish
Nemo struggled to deal with his success after the movie. He was survived by his wife, Octopussy, and their two daughters, Fishenchip and Fishpun.

Every cloud has a silver lining
Before cloud poaching became illegal in 1977, clouds were the world’s cheapest and main source of silver. They can still be found on the black market.

Diamonds are forever
While your marriage may fail, you’ll still have the ring as a constant reminder of your former partner. It’s kind of like having sparkly, non-contagious herpes.

Fell off the back of a truck
A common and completely legitimate way to obtain a stereo,television, or mega-laser-death-ray.

Face the music
A basic principal of theatre design.

*I've... I've been watching Aladdin...

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

There is another Skywalker

A few days ago I was standing in line with a friend of mine at the checkouts of… let’s call it ‘Shmarget’ for now. Anyway, Shmarget had some musical greeting cards they wanted you to impulse buy on your way out, and as we picked up the Darth Vader one, we couldn’t help but be disappointed when it played the Star Wars theme instead of the Darth Vader theme. Then I couldn’t get the Darth Vader theme out of my head. Then I wanted to watch Star Wars. Then I watched Star Wars.

Episode IV never did much for me due to one simple reason: extreme lack of Yoda. He’s sOOper wise and sounds suspiciously like the love child of Fozzy Bear and Grover. And if a bear had a love child with a monster, I reckon it would probably look something like that.
The two things I took away from this movie were 1) I’d forgotten how much of a whinging pain in zee bum C-3PO is, and 2) Jedi mind control powers are the shizz. They would be ever so useful in everyday life, eg. ‘These are not the droids you are looking for’; ‘It was like that when I got here’; ’ You don’t need to see my train ticket.’

Episode V gets off to a flying start with Leia calling Han a ‘nerf herder.’ According to Wookieepedia, a nerf herder is someone who ‘herded nerfs.’ You can’t ask for a better explanation than that.
It takes about 45 minutes for Yoda to show up, Darth Vader chokes a bunch of people with his mind, C-3PO gets shot and says ‘Oh no! I’ve been shot!’, Han Solo gets frozen in carbonite (this scene was really traumatic for me when I was little. That scene, and the one in Temple of Doom when that guy rips that other guy’s heart out. Harrison Ford movies ruined my childhood. I hope he’s happy), and OMG! Darth Vader is, like, so totally Luke’s dad, and continuing with his deadbeat dad-ing, he, like, totally cuts Luke’s hand off.

Wait, it's alright. He gets a robot hand. Jealous?

My issue with Episode VI has nothing to do with the movie, but with the majority of people who watched the movie: what does everyone have against the Ewoks? They’re oversized teddy bears who like to party in tree houses. Where’s the downside of that? You even see one smoking a pipe at one stage. As far as I can see, their only downfall was their decision to worship C-3PO. And maybe the whole eating people thing. Maybe.
The only piece of Star Wars merchandise I own is an Ewok I found going cheap in a second hand shop. I lovingly named him Mr Ewok. I want to get him a pipe now to make him seem more authentic.

Friday, January 7, 2011


There are only two rules in modern literature:
Rule the first - steal ideas from successful people.
Rule the second - don’t get sued for stealing ideas from successful people.

Teens have disposable income, nagging power and gullibility. You’ve just found your target.
Your female lead needs to be made up of three main components: self centeredness, a superiority complex and a constant need to mouth off about how no one understands her. She’s also an angel. Literally. Halo, wings, glowing, etc.
Your male lead should be good looking, moody and a social outcast who claims that he doesn’t care what other people think of him even though the number of times he says this clearly indicates that the most important thing in this guy’s world is what other people think of him. And he’s a vampire.
Both characters, despite their immortality and advanced age, look and live like 16/17 year olds.
Other necessary characters:
  • The love rival.
  • The bully who secretly has a heart of gold and turns good in the end.
  • The evil nemesis.
  • The single parent who is doing their best but feels like it’s never enough because their kid is a douche.
  • A monkey. People really like monkeys.

Two words: wizard school. ‘Fogmorts’ if you will.

Why are a vampire and an angel at wizard school? Well, he has been kicked out of so many schools because of his various troublemaking exploits that this is the only one left that would take him. Throughout the novel he slowly learns what is really important in life (even though he’s dead) and straightens himself out. People love that stuff.

And her, well she was set up by some bitchy cheerleader angels at her last school for theft/minor arson/whatever crime suits your fancy. Fogmorts was the next closest school to her home. Her goal from the beginning of the book is to get revenge on those who wronged her, because isn’t that what being an angel is all about?

The two leads fall in love while trying to solve a series of cryptic messages hidden in old paintings. They may or may not be followed around by an albino. If you’re lazy, he could also be your rival love interest.

I know it doesn’t make sense, but trust me, people won’t notice. And if all else fails, put a bomb on a bus.

Freedom (suck it Jonathan Franzen, you don’t own that word. It’s someone else’s turn to be in Oprah’s book club)
Larry Cotter and the framed angel of Fogmorts
The Highlight Saga: Blue moon