Friday, April 30, 2010

Have you got a minute to talk about homeless refugee animals? With disabilities?

Charities do a lot of good, I’m not about to deny that. I only have one request: Please stop harassing me on the street.

You can spot these people from a mile away, what with their brightly coloured shirts, lanyards, clipboards, and general lack of a soul. This advanced warning is usually quite helpful, as it gives you a chance to cross the street. Some days, what should be a simple 10 minute walk in a straight line can end up taking three times as long and involve a few small trips down some slightly suspicious back alleys.

Sadly, on some occasions, there just isn’t a safe place to cross. This leaves you with no choice but to walk past, and have an awkward encounter with these people. There are a few tactics for dealing with this:

  1. Attempt to catch up to and walk behind someone who looks like they have more money than you (eg. a man in a suit, a lady with nice shoes, the queen).
  2. Pretend you’re talking to someone on your phone, and pray to the god/higher power of your choice that it doesn’t ring while you’re doing so.
  3. Pretend you don’t speak English
  4. Pretend you’re deaf
  5. Pretend to be an asshole who’s too busy to stop
  6. Actually be an asshole who’s too busy to stop
There will be circumstances, however, when none of these are successful. Mostly, this situation will arise when the person is incredibly attractive and has a sexy foreign accent. You will stop. You will be flirted with. You will flirt back. You will hear them out. You will give them a fake name/address/credit card number.

The other time you will become stuck listening to their spiel is when they’ve decided to set up their shady operation at the traffic lights. A dirty, dirty tactic used by dirty, dirty people. While you’re waiting to cross the street, there’s no escape, as these people have never learned life’s golden rule: no means no. You begin to wonder if you should just cross the street anyway. Would getting hit by a truck be more, or less painful than what you’re currently experiencing?

Here's the deal, and it's non negotiable: I’ll give money to the homeless when they promise to stop freaking me out at the train station.

1 comment:

Ben Carroll said...

a pretty girl talked stopped me the other day, and just asked to listen to the music on my big headphones for a bit. then she didn't even ask me for fake details. they should all be like that.

i've just nominated your blog for an award! and i'll be doinga post about why i like your blog next week, if that's cool.