Friday, April 23, 2010

An open letter to Bert & Ernie

Dear Bert and Ernie,

I know what you’re thinking, and I promise you that’s not what this letter is about. Despite popular belief, I have never been one to buy into those rumours. You know the ones, all that ‘Rubber Ducky has two daddies’ business. My question is of a slightly different nature: are you guys kids, or what?

I’ve never really been able to grasp the concept of what exactly the deal is with the two of you. You do kids things constantly, and you’re always learning like children, what with the playing and the counting everything and such. So… why do you live together and where are your parents? And why is Bert always cooking oatmeal? Kids shouldn’t be using the stove.

But hey, you probably are old enough to take care of yourselves. I mean, you have your own apartment. In a basement. Not anyone’s number one choice, but maybe it was the best you could find within your financial constraints back in 1969. This would also explain why you have to share a bedroom. However, since the show has been running for 41 years and made you into television legends, maybe it’s time to move upstairs? Sunlight? Yeah? Get some sunlight? Technically this would make you guys 41 plus however old you were to begin with. But then again, Elmo has been going strong for a while now and he's still only 3 and a half. Clearly, something very wrong is going down on that street. Maybe that’s why no one can ever tell us how to get there. It’s not effing Narnia for God’s sake. Or is it? OH MY GOD, IS IT???

The other option is that you might be one of each. Ernie is generally doing kids stuff, while Bert is reading and collecting bottle caps like a grown up. A really dull grown up, but still a grown up. So Bert, my friend, if you're an adult and Ernie’s a child, and you’re such good 'friends,' then that’s just effing weird.

As you can see, this is an extremely confusing matter, and I hope to hear from you soon. Not just for the answer to my question, but to find out if letters can make it through the portal to Narnia.

Yours sincerely,
A confused fan.

P.S: Bert, I like your eyebrow. Is it alive?

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