Thursday, December 15, 2011

An open letter to attractive men

Dear attractive men,

Hello. You don’t know me, but my name is Lauren and I have been finding it harder and harder to ignore you of late, as you insist on parading around in front of me wherever I go, with your faces and bodies and lovely, lovely smiles.

Despite the positive attributes of your kind, I have to admit that I have a complaint or two about the way you insist on living your lives.

Complaint the first: The pace at which you walk.
If you’re going to walk past me, all I ask is that you do it slowly. This will increase my perving time and I’m sure there’s some kind of advantage in there for you somewhere, too. Walking slower will reduce the chance of sweating? Maybe? Yeah. Let’s go with that. Sweating.

Complaint the second: The wearing of those shoulder/messenger bags.
These tend to cover your amazing backsides. This is unfortunate. Please put your belongings elsewhere.

Complaint the third: Some of you don’t wear glasses.
I had a theory that men, meaning all men, meaning 100% OF THE MEN look better in glasses. I have tested this hypothesis and it turns out that I am correct. If you do not wear glasses, please obtain some in the near future.

Complaint the fourth: Sometimes you can be so attractive that it’s unattractive.
I know this sounds stupid, but there is something I like to call the ‘Cycle of Attractive-ness’ and it looks like this: The cycle goes counter clockwise, beginning at ‘Total-freakin-ugmo’ and moving all the way up to ‘Dear-god-please-help-me-now-I-can’t-help-but-swoon-over-this-ridiculously-good-looking-person’. Occasionally, you can become so attractive that your features become comical and off-putting and you jump from the sexy side over to the not-so-sexy side. Please don’t do this, as it is a tragic waste.
(Note that the cycle only flows one way. No one is so ugly that they’re attractive. No one. It’s science.)

Thank you for your time and cooperation. I hope these issues will be remedied in the coming days.


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