Thursday, March 8, 2012

Things you need to know about giraffes

Giraffes are made of papier-mâché, cotton and pure unfiltered evil.

They invented gravity.

A giraffe can run at speeds of up to 17,583,657 km/ph. They just don’t want you to know about it.

40% of car thefts are carried out by giraffes.

Giraffes faked the moon landing.

They are the only life form that knows what’s in a dim sim.

Their urine glows and can be used to power a small car.

Giraffes control nine tenths of the land in Mexico.

They know where Wally is.

They know who shot J.R.

They know how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

The Queen’s annual Christmas message is written by a giraffe.

In every episode of Seinfeld, there is a giraffe hidden somewhere.

They have a fondness for stripey socks.

The Mona Lisa was smiling because Da Vinci kept a pet giraffe who would strip and do a sexy dance for a small fee. She gladly paid this fee.

Their eyes are naturally hypnotic. This is why you should never look directly at a giraffe for more than 2.5 seconds.

The giraffe is the second most likely animal to lie to you. The first is the lyre bird.

The giraffe is the second most likely animal to heckle at a stand up gig. The first is the mockingbird.

The Eskimo pie was invented in 1876 by a giraffe. It contained Eskimo. And pie.

When boiled correctly, a giraffe tongue tastes like chicken.

If you cut off a giraffe’s head, it will continue to walk around for three days.

The traditional giraffe greeting is a peace sign.

Every time you say a swear word, a giraffe kills a kitten.

It wasn’t a dingo that took that baby.

The first pair of jeggings were hoof-sewn by a giraffe.

If a statue in the park of a person on a giraffe has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the giraffe has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the giraffe has all four legs on the ground... it doesn't really matter. You're in a weird park. Get out of the park.

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