How to write a romance novel

Lesson one: Writing sexy dialogue
Ok, so there’s a pretty basic storyline for romance novels. Boy meets girl, then boy ‘meets’ girl. And there’s some kind of love rival who’s a dirty no-good scumbag and so on and so forth.

You have to use a certain type of language to keep your reader interested. Instead of using the correct names for things, sprinkle in a ‘ding-a-ling’ and a ‘hoo-haa’ here and there. And ‘mound’. Everybody has some kind of mound. So many mounds.

Most of it is pretty basic stuff, but people tend to struggle with writing sexy dialogue. They say it’s best to write what you know, and I’ve found it helps to take inspiration from my own life and just change a minor detail here and there.

In this scene, the attractive nameless man who is trying to get some shelter from the rain has just walked into a café where the only staff member is… let’s call her Laurel. There are no other customers. Just the two of them. And the glistening rain.

WATCH AND LEARN!

Laurel: ‘Hey.’
Attractive man: ‘Hi.’
Laurel: ‘Still raining outside?’
Attractive man: ‘Yep.’
Laurel: ‘You’re uh… you’re quite wet, there.’
Attractive man: ‘Yep.’
Laurel: ‘I mean… your shirt is all clingy and see through and… clingy.’
Attractive man: ‘Yeah… look, I just need somewhere to stay until the rain stops, do we really need to make small talk?’
Laurel: ‘Maybe you should get out of those wet clothes.’
Attractive man: ‘No, I’m alright. Thanks.’
Laurel: ‘Are you sure? You look cold. You know, the best thing we can do right now is get naked.’
Attractive man: ‘Excuse me?’
Laurel: ‘What is it they say? About shared body heat and all that? It would probably help if we created some friction, too.’
Attractive man: ‘Did… did you just lock that door?’
Laurel: ‘You know, the rain has made your skin look all shimmery.’
Attractive man: ‘Is there anyone else here?’
Laurel: ‘Nope. Just you and me. And the homeless man watching through the window.’
Attractive man: ‘I’d better get going.’
Laurel: ‘Do you want a drink?’
Attractive man: ‘No… OH GOD WHAT THE HELL IS IN THAT?’
Laurel: ‘Nothing.’
Attractive man: ‘WHY IS IT SO CLOUDY?’
Laurel: ‘It’s… supposed to look like that…?’
Attractive man: ‘I’m calling the police.’

Then she rips his clothes off and one thing leads to another and he’ll pretend he’s not interested and he’ll still go to the cops later but if he wasn’t up for it then he wouldn’t go walking around being openly attractive, would he?