Are you there God? It’s me, Lauren.

‘Hi God, it’s Lauren. Just wanted to check in with you, it’s been a while. I realise I’ve been a little self centred since, you know, forever. So we can do whatever YOU want to do this time. Maybe we could get a drink? Go bowling? Put an end to the dinosaurs? You're into that kind of stuff, yeah? Anyway, let me know.’

‘Hey dude, didn’t hear back from you the other day. I guess you’re really busy, what with running the entire universe and all. And giving celebrities awards. And helping people win reality TV shows. But if you get a minute, we should definitely catch up. Call me! Oh yeah, it’s Lauren.’

‘Hellooooo. Lauren again. Quick question: I heard an old man call wireless internet “the devil’s work.” Should I go back to broadband?’

‘What up, G-dog? Still haven’t heard from you. I’m having a barbeque this Saturday, you should totally come. And if the second coming happens before then, bring Jesus with you. It would be awesome to see him. He’ll probably be fashionably late though, as always. Am I right? Am I right? Haha nah, I’m messing with ya. Peace out! It’s Lauren, by the way.’

‘Yeah, Lauren here. Look, being mysterious and all that is one thing, but not getting back to someone is just rude. And if this is about that incident with the guy who knocked on my door the other morning, let’s get one thing straight. Just because I haven’t found Jesus, doesn’t mean I’m not sorry to hear that he’s missing. If anything, now, more than ever, is a good time for you to relax and have a drink. CALL ME.’

‘There’s a bearded guy at the train station claiming to be your son. You might want to look into that.’

‘FOR THE LOVE OF YOU. I don’t care how snowed under you are, I’m making an effort here. Everyone keeps telling me to look for a sign from you, but I haven’t seen any. The only signs I saw today were “Don’t drink and drive,” and “Lauren: Have you considered atheism? – God.” NOTHING! You know what? You’re not the only one who works in mysterious ways. So does… Spiderman. Yeah. I’m going to start the Church of Spiderman. Goodbye forever.’

“Hi. It’s Lauren. Just letting you know that last message was from me.’