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Operation world domination hasn’t been moving along as quickly as I’d hoped. My cousin said he’d post links to the blog on his Facebook page if I mentioned him. Which I just did. I hope he enjoyed it. But on the off chance that he didn’t, I decided to do some further research into increasing blog traffic.

• Invite guest bloggers
  Dear President Obama/Betty White/Sponge Bob, you seem to be quite popular. Would you care to contribute to my blog? B.Y.O topics and witticisms.
• Remove the comments section so people can’t see all the zeros
  No, I don’t want to lose the 8 comments I already have. I love each one of them dearly. It’s like I own little pieces of your souls.
• Make lists
  People I’d turn gay for: Regina Spektor, the original Brand Power lady, Judy Jetson*
• Use a human voice
  Recent studies have shown this to be only marginally more popular than meerkat.
• Be the first to break news
  I just found $5 in the pocket of my jeans. More details at 11:00.
• Make posts that will stand the test of time
  I think those S Club 7 kids are going somewhere. I really do.
• Have ads that are relevant to your content
  Sesame Street is on the telly. Dr Suess is in bookshops. God is everywhere.
• Write in English
  Què?
• Be controversial
  I don't care for Bindi Irwin very much at all.
• Ask provocative questions
  Busy later? Nudge nudge, wink wink.
• Use buzzwords
  Beiber, Twilight, Viagra, iPad, Kim Kardashian’s ass.
• Discuss current events
  So… politics, eh? That… that's something.
• Post photos
  This is the rubber band ball I made at work last year. It is next to a $1 coin.
  
  If you're not familiar with Australian currency, you will not understand the full scale and/or impressiveness of my handiwork. The Australian $1 coin is approximately the size of a large goat. I know right? I’ve got mad skillz.
• Don't be boring
  ...please excuse the rubber band ball.
• Run a contest
  Your mum’s a contest.**
• Use correct grammer
  i really dont thinks that was not never a issue. semicolon semicolon semicolon.
• Flatter your readers
  I could not agree more with your religious and political views. I love your taste in music/movies/blogs. Have you lost weight? We should hang out more.
• Join forums and pretend to be someone else
  wat up??? LoL!!! :P I lyk totes fownd dis blog nd its awe$ome!!! u shood fllw it!!1 :D
  

*if she was not from the future, and not underage. And, you know, real. There are just too many obstacles to our love.
**I did consider a Mark Watson style 'first person to comment gets to suggest a topic' type deal, but I know too many smart arses who'd write something like 'quantum physics' and cause me to have a panic attack and die.