Thursday, June 17, 2010

Follow me...

Operation world domination hasn’t been moving along as quickly as I’d hoped. My cousin said he’d post links to the blog on his Facebook page if I mentioned him. Which I just did. I hope he enjoyed it. But on the off chance that he didn’t, I decided to do some further research into increasing blog traffic.

  • Invite guest bloggers
    Dear President Obama/Betty White/Sponge Bob, you seem to be quite popular. Would you care to contribute to my blog? B.Y.O topics and witticisms.
  • Remove the comments section so people can’t see all the zeros
    No, I don’t want to lose the 8 comments I already have. I love each one of them dearly. It’s like I own little pieces of your souls.
  • Make lists
    People I’d turn gay for: Regina Spektor, the original Brand Power lady, Judy Jetson*
  • Use a human voice
    Recent studies have shown this to be only marginally more popular than meerkat.
  • Be the first to break news
    I just found $5 in the pocket of my jeans. More details at 11:00.
  • Make posts that will stand the test of time
    I think those S Club 7 kids are going somewhere. I really do.
  • Have ads that are relevant to your content
    Sesame Street is on the telly. Dr Suess is in bookshops. God is everywhere.
  • Write in English
  • Be controversial
    I don't care for Bindi Irwin very much at all.
  • Ask provocative questions
    Busy later? Nudge nudge, wink wink.
  • Use buzzwords
    Beiber, Twilight, Viagra, iPad, Kim Kardashian’s ass.
  • Discuss current events
    So… politics, eh? That… that's something.
  • Post photos
    This is the rubber band ball I made at work last year. It is next to a $1 coin.

    If you're not familiar with Australian currency, you will not understand the full scale and/or impressiveness of my handiwork. The Australian $1 coin is approximately the size of a large goat. I know right? I’ve got mad skillz.
  • Don't be boring
    ...please excuse the rubber band ball.
  • Run a contest
    Your mum’s a contest.**
  • Use correct grammer
    i really dont thinks that was not never a issue. semicolon semicolon semicolon.
  • Flatter your readers
    I could not agree more with your religious and political views. I love your taste in music/movies/blogs. Have you lost weight? We should hang out more.
  • Join forums and pretend to be someone else
    wat up??? LoL!!! :P I lyk totes fownd dis blog nd its awe$ome!!! u shood fllw it!!1 :D

*if she was not from the future, and not underage. And, you know, real. There are just too many obstacles to our love.
**I did consider a Mark Watson style 'first person to comment gets to suggest a topic' type deal, but I know too many smart arses who'd write something like 'quantum physics' and cause me to have a panic attack and die.


Julia said...

Lol. Lists are awesome things. All movie villans would be lost without their To-Do list. Did ypu know i signed up for a gmail account purely for commenting on you blog? Yes, go ahead, feel special and honoured.

Lauren Brown said...

Indeed m'lady, I do feel special and honoured... and drunk with power.