Friday, June 4, 2010

I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want

Last year, I found something buried under my bed. A video, to be exact. I decided to watch it, for old time’s sake, and was blown away by what I saw. Ever since that day I’ve been a woman on a mission: I want the Spice Girls movie released on DVD.

Of course, there’s the sentimental factor. I loved this movie when it came out because the Spice Girls were my life, and I was 10. Remember Girl Power? Remember the platform shoes? Remember Victoria Beckham’s original face and body? Those were the days, my friends.

This movie is hilarious, and not in an ironic ‘it’s so bad that it’s good’ kind of way, but in an awesome ‘it’s a genuinely funny movie’ kind of way. They’ve stolen technology from Doctor Who by having a tour bus that’s bigger on the inside, they get in trouble with the police for ‘frightening the pigeons,’ and we’re asked to believe that not only can Posh Spice drive a double-decker bus, but she can drive one in heels. This film has also inspired me to start insulting people by standing inches from their face and quietly saying the words ‘your mother’ into a megaphone.

There’s a struggling documentary maker, two Hollywood hotshots pitching shoddy film ideas, a pregnant friend (played by that chick from Torchwood. No, not that one. The other one. Yeah, her) who’s just been dumped by her babydaddy, an alien invasion, danger on the high seas, boot camp, a night in a haunted house, flashbacks to a simpler time, a girls night out, a ticking clock, and a bomb on a bus. And to top it all off, we’ve got Barry Humphries as a bitter newspaper editor/hater who’s trying to bring the girls down by hiring a sneaky paparazzi dude (the guy who ‘got the Teletubbies taking a poo’) to follow them. It’s everything you could ever want to see in a movie, and then some. Sadly, at the time of writing, its average rating on IMDB was 2.9/10. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

The highlight of this movie is Roger Moore as a character known only as ‘The Chief.’ He likes feeding piglets with baby bottles, and talking absolute balls. At one point, he answers the phone by saying ‘When the rabbit of chaos is pursued by the ferret of disorder through the fields of anarchy, it is time to hang your pants on the hook of darkness... whether they're clean or not.’ He then hangs up the phone.

At no point is this movie asking you to take it seriously, and that’s where its brilliance lies. But if you’re not sold yet, know this: it’s the only place you’ll ever hear Stephen Fry say the words ‘wicked, dirty, phat bass line.’

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