Thursday, December 30, 2010

Why new year’s eve blows: an essay by me

I think it all goes back to when I was little, and that first new year’s eve that I managed to stay awake until midnight. You know what happened at midnight? Bloody nothing. All this anticipation and excitement amounted to a countdown followed by disappointment and bed. No flashing green light. No magical leprechaun. I don’t know why I was expecting these things. My 5 year old self might have confused the new year with St Patrick’s day. That, and I just really like magic.

I didn’t get excited about it again until the 31st of December 1999 when there was a chance that all the planes were going to fall out of the sky at the stroke of midnight and after all the other machines failed we’d end up living in a post apocalyptic wasteland. Again, disappointment and bed. I wanted to take my money out of the bank and bury it in the backyard so that after the millennium bug destroyed the banks, my childhood savings of $200 would be the equivalent of millions and everyone who didn’t think to do the same would make me their god. Curse you, new year’s eve. Another dream shattered.

This year my rage is already being fuelled by the man next door and his party preparations. He’s put up one of those temporary gazebo thingies in the back yard, which is all well and good, but he’s spent way too much time trying out his brand-spankin-new sOOper loud speakers. Remember the band Creed? I do. Now. How about Puddle of Mudd? Yeah. They spelled it with two D’s just to be extra badass. If I get home before that party’s over, which I’m assuming I will, I have to try to fall asleep with that pumping out over the fence. He also gave Hoobastank a run.


Last new year’s eve I was still living in the back room of my parents’ house, still single, and still had no real career prospects. This new year’s eve I’ll be celebrating the fact that I’m another year older and still living in the back room of my parents house, still single, and still have no real career prospects. No one ever keeps their life changing resolutions, which is why this year there will be none of this ‘give money to charity’ or ‘waste less time on Facebook’ business. This year I’m making resolutions I’m going to keep.

  1. Don't eat so many chips that I get chest pains.
  2. See Europe (trip was booked a few months ago for guaranteed success).
  3. Stop typing my Facebook password into every other website I try to log in to.
  4. Stop trying to deactivate the house alarm with my pin number, and stop trying to get money out of the ATM with the alarm code.
  5. Finally become the proud owner of the complete box set of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (start saving for this after Europe, unless item is seen on sale at an earlier date. May result in last minute run to the shops on December 31 after I re-read this blog and realise I completely forgot about it).

No comments: