Friday, January 7, 2011

HOW TO WRITE A BEST SELLER

There are only two rules in modern literature:
Rule the first - steal ideas from successful people.
Rule the second - don’t get sued for stealing ideas from successful people.

AUDIENCE
Teens have disposable income, nagging power and gullibility. You’ve just found your target.
 
CHARACTERS
Your female lead needs to be made up of three main components: self centeredness, a superiority complex and a constant need to mouth off about how no one understands her. She’s also an angel. Literally. Halo, wings, glowing, etc.
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Your male lead should be good looking, moody and a social outcast who claims that he doesn’t care what other people think of him even though the number of times he says this clearly indicates that the most important thing in this guy’s world is what other people think of him. And he’s a vampire.
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Both characters, despite their immortality and advanced age, look and live like 16/17 year olds.
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Other necessary characters:
  • The love rival.
  • The bully who secretly has a heart of gold and turns good in the end.
  • The evil nemesis.
  • The single parent who is doing their best but feels like it’s never enough because their kid is a douche.
  • A monkey. People really like monkeys.

SETTING
Two words: wizard school. ‘Fogmorts’ if you will.

PLOT
Why are a vampire and an angel at wizard school? Well, he has been kicked out of so many schools because of his various troublemaking exploits that this is the only one left that would take him. Throughout the novel he slowly learns what is really important in life (even though he’s dead) and straightens himself out. People love that stuff.

And her, well she was set up by some bitchy cheerleader angels at her last school for theft/minor arson/whatever crime suits your fancy. Fogmorts was the next closest school to her home. Her goal from the beginning of the book is to get revenge on those who wronged her, because isn’t that what being an angel is all about?

The two leads fall in love while trying to solve a series of cryptic messages hidden in old paintings. They may or may not be followed around by an albino. If you’re lazy, he could also be your rival love interest.

I know it doesn’t make sense, but trust me, people won’t notice. And if all else fails, put a bomb on a bus.

TITLE
Freedom (suck it Jonathan Franzen, you don’t own that word. It’s someone else’s turn to be in Oprah’s book club)
Larry Cotter and the framed angel of Fogmorts
The Highlight Saga: Blue moon

3 comments:

Julia said...

Brillaint! You'll make millions! I'd buy this book and actually read it

Lauren Brown said...

It doesn't matter if you read it, just as long as you BUY it. I'd get the same amount of money whether you read it or not.

Mad-Molly-The-Grim said...

That will be the Best book EVER!