I can’t think of enough funny things this week, so I’ve bailed on writing a new blog and instead, for your reading pleasure, have translated last week’s blog into various other languages and then back into English using Google Translate because it turned out to be a lot funnier than what I was trying to write. So, I’m forgiven, yes?
You might want to peruse last week’s if you haven’t seen it. Go on. This one will wait for you.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
As the moon moves into the matter, which it is moving in this best of luck and all that brings you luck. Maybe. Even a happy birthday. Their cakes are disappointing and covered in melted candle wax.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Having too much money for something you do not need, you'll know where you bought it and what you are paying for it. Listen to lie on, you dirty, lying liars.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your washing machine will break and eventually profess what they had with all those missing socks. The socks will not be returned to you because, frankly, you do not want to go back where they were. However, the solution of this mystery will bring you a sense of inner peace. Have a cup of tea and a biscuit.
Taurus (20 April-20 May)
Your skepticism marked with an asterisk will be short-lived when the giraffe from the zoo and tramples you to death.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
A Taurus you know will be kicked to death by an escaped giraffe with legs.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
La Bamba 's torn in your head and you'll find yourself singing it as you could get a busy street. People will decisis. You go home, eat some chicken, and subpar blog write about star signs.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Your tendency to burn bridges will bite you back when you are before the arson charges. The lawyer you can find in the phone book will be qualified, but very attractive. You two will have a brief but steamy business that the lawyer will stop by to let you go to prison, where your cellmate will teach you how to make prison tattoos. You will have a feel for this and will realize that you should have gone to art school after all.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Once a wise man, "Put some pants," he said. If you leave home, make sure to do so. People have been complaining.
Libra (22 September 23 to 10)
Romance is in the air! But for you in no.
Scorpio (23 October - 21 November)
Your inner thigh, and their foolish not to go. You know that thing you need to get to the cream.
Sagittarius (22 November - 21 December)
Rising tension in the work that will inspire you to search for a new career path. The following may be very concerned, and only to see its someones birthday cake the next day and return to stressful jobs. This will be eating cake. This will be a meet.
Capricorn (19 Dec 22 to 1)
Jesus was a Capricorn. Please look at what he achieved in all of his short life. Your game and lift the buddy.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
It's all in the stars
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
As the moon moves into the thing that it moves into that brings good luck and all that, you will have some good luck. Maybe. Also, happy birthday. Your cake will be disappointing and covered in melted candle wax.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
After spending too much money on something you don’t need, you will lie about where you bought it and what you paid for it. Stop lying, you filthy, lying liar.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your washing machine will break down and finally confess what it did with all those missing socks. The socks will not be returned to you because, quite frankly, you don't want them back after where they've been. However, solving this mystery will bring you a sense of inner peace. Have a cup of tea and a biscuit.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your scepticism of star signs will be short lived when a giraffe escapes from the zoo and tramples you to death.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A Taurus you know will be trampled to death by an escaped giraffe.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
La Bamba will get stuck in your head and you will find yourself singing it as you walk down a busy street. People will stare. You will go home, eat some chicken, and write a subpar blog about star signs.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your tendency to burn bridges will bite you once more as you find yourself facing arson charges. The lawyer you find in the phonebook will be under qualified, but very attractive. The two of you will have a brief but steamy affair that the lawyer will put an end to by letting you go to prison, where your cell mate will teach you how to do prison tattoos. You will have a flair for this and will realise that you should have gone to art school after all.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A wise man once said, ‘Put some pants on’. Remember to do this when you leave the house. People have been complaining.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Romance is in the air! But not for you.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
That rash on your inner thigh will not go away on its own. You need to get some cream for that thing.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Rising tensions at work will inspire you to look for a new career path. You will be too lazy to follow through, and return to your stressful job the next day only to find out that it’s someones birthday and there is cake. You will eat some cake. This will appease you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Jesus was a Capricorn. Look at all the stuff he achieved in his short life. Lift your game, buddy.
As the moon moves into the thing that it moves into that brings good luck and all that, you will have some good luck. Maybe. Also, happy birthday. Your cake will be disappointing and covered in melted candle wax.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
After spending too much money on something you don’t need, you will lie about where you bought it and what you paid for it. Stop lying, you filthy, lying liar.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your washing machine will break down and finally confess what it did with all those missing socks. The socks will not be returned to you because, quite frankly, you don't want them back after where they've been. However, solving this mystery will bring you a sense of inner peace. Have a cup of tea and a biscuit.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your scepticism of star signs will be short lived when a giraffe escapes from the zoo and tramples you to death.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A Taurus you know will be trampled to death by an escaped giraffe.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
La Bamba will get stuck in your head and you will find yourself singing it as you walk down a busy street. People will stare. You will go home, eat some chicken, and write a subpar blog about star signs.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your tendency to burn bridges will bite you once more as you find yourself facing arson charges. The lawyer you find in the phonebook will be under qualified, but very attractive. The two of you will have a brief but steamy affair that the lawyer will put an end to by letting you go to prison, where your cell mate will teach you how to do prison tattoos. You will have a flair for this and will realise that you should have gone to art school after all.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A wise man once said, ‘Put some pants on’. Remember to do this when you leave the house. People have been complaining.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Romance is in the air! But not for you.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
That rash on your inner thigh will not go away on its own. You need to get some cream for that thing.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Rising tensions at work will inspire you to look for a new career path. You will be too lazy to follow through, and return to your stressful job the next day only to find out that it’s someones birthday and there is cake. You will eat some cake. This will appease you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Jesus was a Capricorn. Look at all the stuff he achieved in his short life. Lift your game, buddy.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Smart phone my ass
Back In August I got a new phone. I was sick of everyone talking trash about my useless Motorola that didn’t do anything but be a phone. And not a very good phone at that.
As someone who knows nothing of technology, I sought the help of others as to what kind of phone I should purchase. I found that the more someone knew about technology, the more that person was against iPhones. These people recommended HTC. These people should be shot. In the face. With a bazooka that shoots cream pies.
After months of grief and attempts to find out why my phone sometimes decided it just plain didn’t want to work, I’ve finally accepted defeat and had it sent off to be looked at. For the next three weeks I’m stuck with my old brick. It pains me to say it, but I don’t think I’m going to survive.
How am I supposed to check the weather? By going outside and feeling the temperature of the air on my skin? By looking out the window like a fool? No thank you, sir.
How am I supposed to prove to everyone that I’m right all the time without being able to Google whatever it was that we’ve just been arguing about?
How can I check that big words mean what I think they mean without my dictionary.com app?
How am I supposed to tag myself at every place I go to so people can see how awesome I am? I’ve had to go back to checking Facebook on the computer like people did in the olden days, when computers took up entire rooms and were made of wood and twine.
And most importantly, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE WITHOUT MY DOCTOR WHO RINGTONES?
Anyway, I’m off to build a giant slingshot, capture some birds and launch them at flimsy structures full of pigs I’ve painted green. I have an addiction and my needs must be met.
As someone who knows nothing of technology, I sought the help of others as to what kind of phone I should purchase. I found that the more someone knew about technology, the more that person was against iPhones. These people recommended HTC. These people should be shot. In the face. With a bazooka that shoots cream pies.
After months of grief and attempts to find out why my phone sometimes decided it just plain didn’t want to work, I’ve finally accepted defeat and had it sent off to be looked at. For the next three weeks I’m stuck with my old brick. It pains me to say it, but I don’t think I’m going to survive.
How am I supposed to check the weather? By going outside and feeling the temperature of the air on my skin? By looking out the window like a fool? No thank you, sir.
How am I supposed to prove to everyone that I’m right all the time without being able to Google whatever it was that we’ve just been arguing about?
How can I check that big words mean what I think they mean without my dictionary.com app?
How am I supposed to tag myself at every place I go to so people can see how awesome I am? I’ve had to go back to checking Facebook on the computer like people did in the olden days, when computers took up entire rooms and were made of wood and twine.
And most importantly, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE WITHOUT MY DOCTOR WHO RINGTONES?
Anyway, I’m off to build a giant slingshot, capture some birds and launch them at flimsy structures full of pigs I’ve painted green. I have an addiction and my needs must be met.
Friday, January 6, 2012
The fountain of knowledge
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
We’re not even a week into 2012 and I can already list for you many, many things that I have learned.
1. Eating chocolate all day while watching episode after episode of Buffy is not good for you.
2. Getting out of the house so you won’t sit on the couch and eat chocolate all day is only a good idea if you don’t meet up with friends for beer and chips. Beer and chips are also not good for you.
3. ABC2 showing Doctor Who every weeknight is amazing.
4. Do not wear this top while sitting outside:
We’re not even a week into 2012 and I can already list for you many, many things that I have learned.
1. Eating chocolate all day while watching episode after episode of Buffy is not good for you.
2. Getting out of the house so you won’t sit on the couch and eat chocolate all day is only a good idea if you don’t meet up with friends for beer and chips. Beer and chips are also not good for you.
3. ABC2 showing Doctor Who every weeknight is amazing.
4. Do not wear this top while sitting outside:
You will end up with leopard print sunburned into your shoulders.
5. If my brother invites me over for a horror movie marathon, he means it. I have never seen so many people get stabbed in one evening/night/early hours of the morning.
6. If my brother invites me over for a horror movie marathon, I will consume many Doritos.
7. If my brother invites me over for a horror movie marathon, I will end up crashing at his house, convinced that a serial killer is hiding in the wardrobe.
8. You shouldn’t let friends take you into a shop that contains shiny things. It will end with you buying a shiny thing.
9. When a co-worker tells you she reckons the customer you swoon over every morning looks a bit like the vampire dude from Twilight, and you say ‘No way, that dude is weird lookin, as if they look alike’, and you then stumble across a picture of the vampire dude from Twilight where they DO look alike… don’t admit this to her. She will give you hell and attain a large amount of pleasure from it.
10. Do not let a friend drag you to the beach when you are not dressed for the beach. Sand in shoes + high winds + more sunburn + jeans were a bad choice + her camera took a photo of you in which your top seemed to magically disappear = cranky.
11. Cranky-ness can easily be eradicated with ice cream.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
