It's all in the stars

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
As the moon moves into the thing that it moves into that brings good luck and all that, you will have some good luck. Maybe. Also, happy birthday. Your cake will be disappointing and covered in melted candle wax.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
After spending too much money on something you don’t need, you will lie about where you bought it and what you paid for it. Stop lying, you filthy, lying liar.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your washing machine will break down and finally confess what it did with all those missing socks. The socks will not be returned to you because, quite frankly, you don't want them back after where they've been. However, solving this mystery will bring you a sense of inner peace. Have a cup of tea and a biscuit.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your scepticism of star signs will be short lived when a giraffe escapes from the zoo and tramples you to death.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A Taurus you know will be trampled to death by an escaped giraffe.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
La Bamba will get stuck in your head and you will find yourself singing it as you walk down a busy street. People will stare. You will go home, eat some chicken, and write a subpar blog about star signs.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your tendency to burn bridges will bite you once more as you find yourself facing arson charges. The lawyer you find in the phonebook will be under qualified, but very attractive. The two of you will have a brief but steamy affair that the lawyer will put an end to by letting you go to prison, where your cell mate will teach you how to do prison tattoos. You will have a flair for this and will realise that you should have gone to art school after all.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A wise man once said, ‘Put some pants on’. Remember to do this when you leave the house. People have been complaining.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Romance is in the air! But not for you.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
That rash on your inner thigh will not go away on its own. You need to get some cream for that thing.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Rising tensions at work will inspire you to look for a new career path. You will be too lazy to follow through, and return to your stressful job the next day only to find out that it’s someones birthday and there is cake. You will eat some cake. This will appease you.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Jesus was a Capricorn. Look at all the stuff he achieved in his short life. Lift your game, buddy.