Are you there Lauren? It's me, God

‘Heyyyyyy, it’s the G-Man. Sorry I didn’t call back sooner, but you try dealing with six billion messages! Most of which were, you know, from you… I’ve been pretty busy with other stuff too. Did you see what I did with the volcano? How cool was that! Ahhh, I’m brilliant… call me!’

‘Ok, now I feel bad. The real reason I didn’t call back is because, well, you’re kind of clingy. It gets annoying. I guess it’s not your fault, I'm the one who made you that way. Anyway, I’ve decided to make peace, because life’s too short. No, really, it is. And you’d know this if you went to see that 2012 movie like everyone else did.’

‘Hi, God again. I forgot to say, to answer your question, wireless internet is the Devil’s work. Yeah, that guy is super tech-savvy. He keeps banging on and on and on about his iPad. You can see why I banished him, right?’

‘Found Jesus yet? If you see him, tell him to call me. And no, I’m not sending him that money, he can get a job like everyone else. Oh yeah, it’s God.’

‘You shall kill your son Isaac. Wait… oh, wow, sorry. Wrong number.’

‘Eww, dude, that wasn’t what I meant by "love thy neighbour." And stop telling people that Google knows more than me. I invented the guy who invented Google. Give me a call when you get the chance, yeah?’

‘Ugh, hey. Me again. Feeling a little bummed out today. I’m getting bored with the whole human race thing. It’s all "me, me, me" with you people. I can't believe I thought you'd be more fun than the dinosaurs. Oh well, we all make mistakes. Anyway, I should hang up in case you’re trying to call...’

‘Why, uh… why haven’t you called? I know you’re not busy, I can see you. ANSER THE PHOOOONE. Don’t just stare at it, pick it u- oh. Oh no you di’nt. Did you just roll your eyes? You did! You just did it again! I can’t believe this! You know that’s what Noah did to me? Don’t make me make you build an arc and gather two of every animal.’

‘Alright, look, I’ll level with you. I’m still pissed that you didn’t like the Grand Canyon. Do you know how much work I put into that thing? And you just stood there checking your watch the whole time. It’s not called the Average Canyon, is it? You wanted a sign from me? Fine, I'll give you a sign. Guess which finger I'm holding up.’