Friday, November 26, 2010

An open letter to Television

Dear Television,
I’m bored with you now. Considering our extensive history together, it pains me to see us drifting apart. So I present to you, free of charge, my ideas for shows that will make you interesting again.

When Pygmy Hippos Attack
It’s about when pygmy hippos attack.

Sponge Bob is pointless and annoying, and now, thanks to a super mega death ray, he’s also dead. This new animated series follows the adventures of Patrick, his lovable friend who should have been the star from the beginning.

Dora the Fedora
During one of her adventures, Dora is magically turned into a hat. She is purchased at a second hand shop by a lonely teenager and all of her adventures now involve his head lice.

Dora the Abhorrer
This is the other word I liked when I Googled ‘what rhymes with explorer’. I dunno what happens. Maybe she just walks around hating stuff. Like exploring. Then she doesn’t leave the house at all. But she hates that too. So she goes back to exploring. It’s a vicious cycle.

Law and Order H.U (Hillbilly Unit)
Everybody gets away with murder by burning the bodies beyond the point of recognition. It’s impossible to identify a body using dental records if the entire town has never been to a dentist.
Most crimes are the result of a tractor dispute. The rest involve the alleged theft of Lynyrd Skynyrd records, or rage and confusion regarding the spelling of Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Australia’s next top person who hands out flyers while dressed as an animal or inanimate object
After various intense flyer-handing-out challenges, the winner gets to promote the show by dressing as a giant flyer and handing out flyers. Title can be shortened to the more convenient ANTPWHOFWDAAAOIO.

Brothers & Sisters & The Hot Shirtless Guy who lives down the road
I… I would watch this show. A lot.

Two Tree Hill
Same show, extra tree in the title. What if the one tree gets struck by lightning? Then you have no trees. You have to think these things through, people.

The Average Race
13 teams run from one end of Broadmeadows shopping centre to the other. The winner gets an all expenses paid* trip to Muffin Break.
*Expenses must not exceed $5.50

CSI Midsomer
You have to admit, there is a suspiciously high murder rate in that town.

Survivor: Antarctica
Ice. Frostbite. 24 hours of darkness each day. Survive that, bitches.

PS: Please put Bromwell High back on the air. It’s the funniest show you’ve never seen.

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