Friday, November 19, 2010

Single white female

Classes finished two weeks ago, and the reality of the sitch-you-aye-shon is this: if there isn't a place I have to go to every day, I’m not going to leave the house. Pyjamas have been on before 6pm every night; daytime television has filled me with rage, then entertained me, then filled me with rage again; and I’ve realised that I need to stop living like this before my looks fade. So here’s my lonely hearts ad:

Special skills include Super Mario Bros 1 & 3, returning your CDs/DVDs after I borrow them, preparing food that is burnt on the outside and yet somehow still frozen on the inside, and going from being an incredibly calm individual to a ball of sOOper rage as soon as I get behind the wheel of a car. Everyone on the road is an idiot. Except me. I drive like a champ.
I don’t do cleaning.
Seeking fellow human being (preferably with man-parts) older than 18 (to avoid prison) and younger than my parents (to avoid creepyness) who enjoys early nights, hates long walks on the beach because they’re exhausting, prefers staying home and watching telly to going out, and isn’t freaked out by Mr Potato Head collections.

Has to be sympathetic to my COMPLETELY 100% RATIONAL phobias, eg. avoiding the giraffes when we go to the zoo because those things aren’t right and will haunt my dreams, almost dying from the flu because I refuse to get a flu shot until they come up with an alternative to needles, leaving the busted light globe in the overhead light and living in darkness because I’m too scared to get on a ladder to change it.

Looking for someone who doesn’t use big words that I won’t understand; someone who will accept that our relationship is over the minute Stephen Fry shows up on my doorstep saying that the whole gay thing was just a 'phase' and he wants to run away with me; someone who knows that in-between the butchering of songs, Glee is an awesome show. All you have to do is tape it and watch it back later so you can skip through the musical numbers and the ads. You can get through the whole episode in a little over 20 minutes. It’s the show that’s hilarious without being time consuming.

Must be happy for me to follow you around all night at parties where I don’t know anyone but you. Better still, you shouldn’t drag me to parties where I don’t know anyone but you.

I find the most attractive thing about a man is his eyes, so you must have them. Or at least one and a glass one. They don’t even need to work. But if you are blind, you have to have a guide dog because that’s way more awesome than a stick.

Must be prepared to admit that I’m always right. Because I am. And to argue with me would just be embarrassing for you.

No Personal Trainers/Athletes/Gym Buffs. I don’t have the energy to deal with you.


Ben Carroll said...

I am full of respect for the Stephen Fry clause. I insist on a similar, 'if Stephen Fry turns up on my doorstep saying that my whole straight thing was just a phase and I want to run away with him, who am I to argue?' version.

Lauren Brown said...

Sounds like a completely reasonable request.