Wednesday, January 12, 2011

There is another Skywalker

A few days ago I was standing in line with a friend of mine at the checkouts of… let’s call it ‘Shmarget’ for now. Anyway, Shmarget had some musical greeting cards they wanted you to impulse buy on your way out, and as we picked up the Darth Vader one, we couldn’t help but be disappointed when it played the Star Wars theme instead of the Darth Vader theme. Then I couldn’t get the Darth Vader theme out of my head. Then I wanted to watch Star Wars. Then I watched Star Wars.

Episode IV never did much for me due to one simple reason: extreme lack of Yoda. He’s sOOper wise and sounds suspiciously like the love child of Fozzy Bear and Grover. And if a bear had a love child with a monster, I reckon it would probably look something like that.
The two things I took away from this movie were 1) I’d forgotten how much of a whinging pain in zee bum C-3PO is, and 2) Jedi mind control powers are the shizz. They would be ever so useful in everyday life, eg. ‘These are not the droids you are looking for’; ‘It was like that when I got here’; ’ You don’t need to see my train ticket.’

Episode V gets off to a flying start with Leia calling Han a ‘nerf herder.’ According to Wookieepedia, a nerf herder is someone who ‘herded nerfs.’ You can’t ask for a better explanation than that.
It takes about 45 minutes for Yoda to show up, Darth Vader chokes a bunch of people with his mind, C-3PO gets shot and says ‘Oh no! I’ve been shot!’, Han Solo gets frozen in carbonite (this scene was really traumatic for me when I was little. That scene, and the one in Temple of Doom when that guy rips that other guy’s heart out. Harrison Ford movies ruined my childhood. I hope he’s happy), and OMG! Darth Vader is, like, so totally Luke’s dad, and continuing with his deadbeat dad-ing, he, like, totally cuts Luke’s hand off.

Wait, it's alright. He gets a robot hand. Jealous?

My issue with Episode VI has nothing to do with the movie, but with the majority of people who watched the movie: what does everyone have against the Ewoks? They’re oversized teddy bears who like to party in tree houses. Where’s the downside of that? You even see one smoking a pipe at one stage. As far as I can see, their only downfall was their decision to worship C-3PO. And maybe the whole eating people thing. Maybe.
The only piece of Star Wars merchandise I own is an Ewok I found going cheap in a second hand shop. I lovingly named him Mr Ewok. I want to get him a pipe now to make him seem more authentic.

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