Episode IV never did much for me due to one simple reason: extreme lack of Yoda. He’s sOOper wise and sounds suspiciously like the love child of Fozzy Bear and Grover. And if a bear had a love child with a monster, I reckon it would probably look something like that.
The two things I took away from this movie were 1) I’d forgotten how much of a whinging pain in zee bum C-3PO is, and 2) Jedi mind control powers are the shizz. They would be ever so useful in everyday life, eg. ‘These are not the droids you are looking for’; ‘It was like that when I got here’; ’ You don’t need to see my train ticket.’
Episode V gets off to a flying start with Leia calling Han a ‘nerf herder.’ According to Wookieepedia, a nerf herder is someone who ‘herded nerfs.’ You can’t ask for a better explanation than that.
It takes about 45 minutes for Yoda to show up, Darth Vader chokes a bunch of people with his mind, C-3PO gets shot and says ‘Oh no! I’ve been shot!’, Han Solo gets frozen in carbonite (this scene was really traumatic for me when I was little. That scene, and the one in Temple of Doom when that guy rips that other guy’s heart out. Harrison Ford movies ruined my childhood. I hope he’s happy), and OMG! Darth Vader is, like, so totally Luke’s dad, and continuing with his deadbeat dad-ing, he, like, totally cuts Luke’s hand off.
Wait, it's alright. He gets a robot hand. Jealous?
My issue with Episode VI has nothing to do with the movie, but with the majority of people who watched the movie: what does everyone have against the Ewoks? They’re oversized teddy bears who like to party in tree houses. Where’s the downside of that? You even see one smoking a pipe at one stage. As far as I can see, their only downfall was their decision to worship C-3PO. And maybe the whole eating people thing. Maybe.
The only piece of Star Wars merchandise I own is an Ewok I found going cheap in a second hand shop. I lovingly named him Mr Ewok. I want to get him a pipe now to make him seem more authentic.